TO THE FACE/2
(heavy unloading this time)
faaaaaantasies! not the sexual kind (well, yes, very much yes to the sexual kind) but the kind that keep you awake at night makes you wanna cry, lets be real, we've all lay in bed and imagined our parents.. (ew no, keep reading) dying or some shit and legit salty tears have left our eyes haha dramatic like usual (no hand to wipe them, always nice to taste them too i find, adds to the theatrics) OR you imagine your own self dying (much more devastating i always find) and you think about who would come to your funeral and if they boy you like would be gutted that he never confessed his love for you and if he wishes he had done things differently. omg maybe he would speak at your funeral, how many people would turn up? would there be a day off school for everyone to mourn you? it's a pretty big fucking deal, you're a pretty big fucking deal. the answer to all these things is no, because you're not dead. damn.. this sucks now.
remember when periods were a big deal and you'd try your hardest and i mean hardest as in will look around like your stealing shit guilty as fuck as you slyly got your tamp outa your bag and had that god awful distance from bag to to pocket.) ok so it's like, 1. look around, 2. reach into bag grab tampon, 3. cover tampon with whole hand and grasp like its your first handjob, 4. cover all traces of tampon with hand - no wrapper poking out from grasp, 5. quickly and i mean quickly it could be a fuckin dancemove whip around shit put it into your pocket. AHHHH but thats the half of it, you've got to get into the toilet now and put a fucking tampon in your VAGINA without people knowing you totally have your finger in your vag while they're having a standard day to day normal gal wee right next to you, just a thin wall away. haha i've done it all, the slight cough, the clearing of the throat, the flushing of the toilet, JUST to disguise the plastic unwrapping.. k cool.
BE A PWW! SLUTTY DRUNK PASHING ISN'T COOL IF YOU'RE SLOPPY AND NOT TACTICAL, BUT IF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND YOU'RE IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION THEN I SEE NO PROBLEM! help a sista out! being a pash wing woman is the most rewarding thing about being a friend, other than being able to insult someone constantly without them hating you. setting it up, watching it blossom, and finally see the cas pash take place is all just so satisfying (not in a creepy i watch other people get with other people and it turns me on kind of way, but hey, that could work too). all i'll say at this point in time is that if your in a busy place (can't be a quiet drinks because that's just awkward and everyone stares and watches it all happen, not cool have a little digs girl!) you need to be in a club or something where everyone is self absorbed and druuuunk, only concerned with either pussy, dick, how sweaty they are, how drunk they are and or how lonely they are (ew man go home). AND your friend thinks someone is hot and he's noticed you/she wants her ins, force her into the situation! (NO! NOT ANAL RAPE!) walk in his direction, 'happen' to land right next to him, say hi - be confident and introduce her maybe have an awkward dance, have a slight convo then both LEAVE HIM. keep in mind that all you want is a dance from this person, no expectations other than fun and a good conversation will mean you don't feel db if it doesn't work out. don't be too available. but make sure you're not leaving like a bitch or anything, yano little flirty fun cya later. make eye contact later on, and if they're keen - they'll come to you. if they're not, that sucks, there's plenty more sweaty boy fish in the party sea. if YES then stand back and watch your friend and her new ..friend have a casual grind maybe a mad lil pash on the d floor. this sounds so creepster but knowing that she would do it for you is tots worth it. after all, boys are just boys - in their teen years they don't have emotional feelings (1% do, the other 99 only have things called nerve endings and they can be found in our friend down below) . don't let the random pash be something you get caught up on - i'm not saying do it heaps, but if you wana then you can - just think, boys are genuinely just chicks with a penis and waaaaaaaay dumber. when i look at a boy i see myself as some sort of better version of them, yes they have a dick, but i have 1 brain, 2 boobs, 3 holes and long luscious hair - we have so much more than them! so we shouldn't be worried about it. as always, no offence to boys, you're hot, and funny, and cool - but this needed to be said.