TTF

to the face

#4

nice guys finish last
To make it in this world of fanny you need to be either a dick or a total shy boy with a weird sense of mysterious charm that makes us THINK about your dick. You need to stand out and chicks are just drawn to that, you'll notice all beautiful self respecting females right now are single and aren't getting fucked over by males because they know boys don't fully mature til they're like 24 (that's the rumour anyway) unfortunately arrogance is strangely attractive to me so fagginess is a plus. then again - ignore me and i'm yours ...

of course, i would love to taste BO as you whisper dubsteb derps in my ear
HEY I AIN'T EVEN TALKIN TO JUST THE MALES HERE! There is A SERIOUS issue right now. ok, change in season (both temp wise and it being summer so many people becoming single and hump ready) i see that this is inevitable but do you not have jobs? seriously how much is deo like $5 or some shit? god damn splurge out and get mitchum and your pits will dry out like the fuckin sahara. I have lost all faith in a clean society that doesn't result in me running from you!!!!  You may be sexy, Mr Long haired man dry grindin me to some fun rihanna song about being dirty and wet or whatever but i bet your penis smells worse than your pits and i mean - i'm drunk, but not that drunk.

heartbreak
exists dammit. i wish it upon no one. it's kind of like your holding a massive shit inside you for weeks and weeks and you feel like the only way you'll ever feel better is if you'll see them or touch them or be with them again. but you can't cos it's concrete shit. with the words 'deal with it' engraved on it. easiest way to describe it. but then do we describe a clingy relationship as diarrhea?? keeps on comin back with no space or time to let chu just sit down relax and enjoy ya day? ha ha ha

mysterious lady slayers
I've asked many a girl why he get's so much kitty and they're all puzzled - we always just decide that he has a big penis or he's real funny and he lures the women into the bedroom with their laughing euphoria (seriously that shit's like a high you can't resist) but WHAT is it ??? - it's almost like he is SO comfortable with his sexuality he could jump to the gay paddock and back on into the pussy pool. No offence man - you don't seem like bf material (YET) and it's not like you're a model but you will forever be this slightly far away guy who lives in my town and i feel like you've fucked everyone but me. don't know if i'm happy about this or offended.

boy gangs 
recently experienced what happens when guys hang out and was actually fascinated. i've had guy mates for a while but this was different, 3 of us girls and 5 guys we were kind of in the background. i felt like i wasn't a friend - i was the bitch they keep there and occasionally look at and talk to but mainly they said you could come so you could naked pash later (was pretty ok with this as they were all pretty hot and i was fine watching and we had invited ourselves as girl night was proving a little less entertaining.) all they did was play pool, smoke durries, do burn outs in suburbia, make massive fires in the back yard and talk about girls while smoking weed, drinking bourbon and wrestling. my favourite part was when they had little shot gun sessions throughout the night where they all went off in a line and encouraged each other..  it was so weird but refreshing because it just made me love boys even more because i still can't figure them out.


xx

click for better quality! 

IT'S BEEN SO LONG
.. it's because im not really a fg because i have an official BF!!!!!!! i better touch some kind of non penis wood just incase the guy dumps me. Let me just say i still hate boys, i watched tool academy and the guys were ULTIMATE FAGS! i went to town and some guy was hyping up the club like some wanabe eminem - don't get me wrong i LOVE white boys but i do not like slim shady type wide jean wearin bogan gross matha facka getting his sweaty particles all on me fur jacket! i do not WANT to HAVE to dryclean!! i so know that it's still shit in the single part of town (and have realised it can also be shit in good ol bangville of bf and gf state).

 This is just quick but, here are some DON'TS when it comes to pursing the *crush*: 


1. Don't turn up to their house drunk at 3am (after you haven't talked to them in weeks) WITH (this shit gets better) their sister and knock on their bedroom door asking to sleep in their bed. Especially do not laugh and chant for him to take you both to McDonalds. This will leave you feeling slightly suicidal the next morning as you realise all chances of being respected are slowly leaving your body just like your gross vomiting hangover. (this may or may not be a true story)

2. Delete his number. then every time he texts you you reply with "whos this".

3. Don't have sex with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Don't look him in the eye when your doing it at least.)


ps. boys boys boys, i love boys, sexy boys make the world go round

Liz fg

HARD2GET.

PLAY THE GAME.

BE SUPERIOR.


(otherwise known as the game of life.. this comes from watching this happen. over, and over again, chicks who play H2G are usually pretty loved up, hella desirable and really fuckin smart if we think about it.. but they can usually leave their emotions at the door. boys who play H2G are pretty much all the male species except of course those exceptions - your (leave this page) boyfriends).

firstly we should discuss how to play hard2get.

there are 2 players:
one female + one male
both female
or both male
- it all depends on how you feel about fannys.

when riding the rollercoaster that is this fun time, one must realise that other players can be brought into the game ie suzie may feel that her opposition dickhead is infact, a dickhead - she will then ask another person to join the game! usually suzie would pick someone  different to dickhead, perhaps someone with a better haircut, thinner, fatter, taller - just generally someone allround better and intimidating to dickhead. suzie will secretly flaunt this new player in front of player 1 (DH) causing player 2 (see *BREATH MINT) to feel special and possibly spark a slight crush on suzie. player 1 finds this incredibly hard to handle as his natural animal instincts tell him to fight away what was once his, like a lion he will prowl on suzie making sure he is not forgotten in her little circle of love (sometimes the circle of love means, circle of love, more often than not - a vagina hole).

UNFORTUNATELY (ha, ha, ha, when is it unfortunate to have a CHOICE IN MEN) in this phase of the game suzie must decide which player she will take to the next level and which she will kill off - TYPICALLY, she will keep player 1 (yes, the dickhead, she's a girl remember) ol player 2 there is disposed of - once again, being female i assume suzie still remembers his number off by heart and she will soon be inviting him to play the game again.

PLAYER 2 AKA BREATH MINT
he gets that bad aftertaste of player 1 out of your life, i know what you're thinking - how fuckin fabulous. but no this isn't eternal sunshine of the spotless mind ok that shit can't be erased. the mint is enjoyable and ever so exciting and fun FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME. what you really want is to satisfy yourself with the meal that is player 1 - fuck the bad taste you think! and so, suzie crawls back to DH while ol fresh minty michael over here is raking it in with these girls with bad breath.

H2G is not as simple as it seems, Suzie has created a triangle in which player 1 and 2 are now "fighting" for her affections, she can chop and change between the two depending on what type of hunger she has that day. the guys will pretend shit's allgood and joke about suzie between the 2 of them secretly wanting to 'win' because after all, isn't any hole a goal? - and it makes it so much more entertaining when there's defense.


note: one must always keep track of all players in the game, it is best to stick to the old count on one hand rule. this just keeps you in control of the situation rather than you getting caught in the shit under a pile of guys thinking you're a slut. but it's just power hon.. 

ps. this is life
pps. don't take my shit seriously, seriously.

fg xoxoxoxooxox

FRIEND BOY?

recent pizzos from my ever fluttering social life. nudda i lie

5 THINGS GUYS DO IN TOWN* THAT WILL AUTOMATICALLY TELL YOU WHERE THEY FALL ON THE LOSER SCALE.

1 being not very loser at all, 10 being, just fuck off.

*fortunately some only apply to hamilton xo

1. the guy who touches your ass (usually in town etc) before he has even asked your name/greeted you/seen your face.

heeeeeeeeeeey sexy chick, i'm a fun, playful, full of confidence kinda guy and i don't need no hey to touch you. by touching your ass, getting my finger near your SHIT HOLE and squeezing it like it was a casual crack up thing - i am showing you that i am a cheeky guy (scuse the pun) - if you turn around i'll casually disappear into the sea of jayjays t-shirts and sneakily watch you try to figure out who it was. this guy is just clueless, he obviously just wants your pussy for the night and you OBVIOUSLY (ha ha ha hamilton) don't want it back, but i'm not going to lie to you when i say that every time my ass has been grabbed, a small small very tiny bit of excitement builds up in my pelvis and i am very grateful for the fact that my ass was chosen out of a few hundred to be touched. in saying that - i have seen males do the line grab - a one by one touch and go of the friends ass they pass the bar - each girl thinking she was the 1 in a million ass. you're not great, but you're not entirely shit either mate - 6/10.

2. the mystery grinder

oh wow, this guy has been around since my year 10 social back in high school, he wore a hawaiian shirt and it was unbuttoned. i didn't see him - but a friend did. she was giving me the thumbs up so i happily rubbed my ass on his semi erect penis, my hands waving awkwardly in the air screaming to be witched or some shit. without knowing what he looked like i was loving my life! attention! a boy! my gelled back hair and fluoro leggings didn't know what to do with themselves. i turned around to see who this beautiful mystery man was - i was sure he'd be some basketball player with a ratty and a soft moe (*dreamy*). unfortunately i was unpleasantly surprised and ran away scared for my life. mystery grinders are EVERYWHERE, they're having a boogie with the the boys and as soon as you get eye contact or you touch them by accident on the d floor (and come the fuck on lets be real touching on the d floor is inevitable, sweat is pretty much just one big shared substance) THEY'RE IN FOR THE KILL - seriously it's like oh shit, my dicks touching your ass, oh shit my hands are wrapped around you, oh shit im going in to poke you, oh shit yeah, people are watching. FIRSTLY, how dare you grind me without my permission! and by permission i mean, you have to go through a quick courting process - eyes across the dance floor, smile, smile again, ignore for a bit, smile, get closer, then maybe, if you played the cards right - you can have a quick consented grind! only to be left looking like a dick while your eyes are closed and really getting into it. ha ha ha i'm imagining it now. guys are so shit. yuck, these boys are pretty common - and it's easy to get away from them so i guess they score pretty low 4/10 UNLESS THEY FOLLOW YOU AND ACTUALLY TRY TO POKE YOU 8/10 MATE! THERE'S A LINE!

3. the nelly ambassador

yeah, just because we're all in this sweaty little room and it's 'getting hot in heeer' does NOT mean that you have to take your top off. seriously i do NOT want to see your erect nipples as your sweat flings onto me while you so carelessly whip your body like it's some kind of .. fuck i don't even know. like - can you not? you may even be real cut and shit but i don't really see the attraction in hugging you then sliding off you. or you being on stage as i watch you slowly but surely peel off what used to be a singlet which is now just a fuckin RAG that is clinging to your skin for dare life. IS IT COLD IN HERE? BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO HAVE AN EXTREME CASE OF FRIPPLE!! EW EVEN WORSE WHEN HE WRAPS THE TOP AROUND HIS HEAD!WHAT IS THIS?!?!?! BROOKLYN?!?!!! IS THERE A REASON WHY YOU HAVE A DO-RAG ON YOUR HEAD YOU WANNABE!! damn son, this shit pisses me off - but i like laughing at you while i encourage you to embarrass yourself 8/10

4. mr alice

"i'm lost i can't find my mates im just gona hang out with you till i find them". YOOOOU DUMB SHIT. do you really think i am buying that? next it will be oh they just text me they left without me can i go home with you? NO. you're an annoying puppy and i want to dance with my friends, now i have you following us around and we barely even know each other. this is usually someone you don't know very well - they aren't a friend but perhaps you've seen them round a bit so i guess it's 'acceptable' for them to hang out with you. but damn this annoys me - chicks do it too. it's desperate and if your mates don't want to hang out with you then why would i? straight up, this isn't hard to rate 9/10.

5. bruno mars

sometimes i have a moment when i walk into a club and i scan the building to see whats up. sometimes i see some friends dry humping against the wall, an older man buying a blonde a drink, a sea of kids with glow sticks seizing again and again to dubsteb. all things i have become used to seeing, i almost worry when i don't! but on the off night (i repeat night, when it's dark, and it's nighttime because it has already been day and the sun has gone down and the moon has come up because it was the end of the day and now it is after DARK) i see SOME MOTHER FUCKER wearing sunglasses inside, i don't give a shit if they're ray bans mate, i don't even give a shit if you're pinging like a lunatic i DON'T care that you're fuckin blazed! TAKE THEM OFF YOU LOOK LIKE AN ABSOLUTE HOMO AND IT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT SUNNY INSIDE. ugh seriously. turn of x1000000000000000000000000 PEOPLE WHO (AREN'T BLIND AND) WEAR SUNNIES INSIDE AND AT NIGHT TIME ARE NUMBER ONE 10/10!!!!

hope you guys are living scandalously.

xoxo friend girl

hahahahahahahhahahahahhahahhAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

HAPPY MARCH.

I've been a bad girl I ain't playin' fair
I want you to be free But I don't wanna share
No I don't wanna let you go But it's about time I do
I can't blame you anymore And I still love you

5 reasons why:

boys love **slutty chicks**

(just 4 lols)

1. so convenient! like that plastic cheese, or 2 minute noodles - just rip open that packet of fake flavoured love and let the good times roll.

2. they're like a disposable nappy, you can shit all over them, then throw them in the trash.

3. usually the chick knows whats up aka nothing is up except his penis, inside her. how perfect! a girl who doesn't have feelings! she doesn't even care that i'm slapping her, or that i've totally forgotten her name, what is it again?

4. confidence, any chick who can walk down the street in a sheer singlet and call it a dress is a confident woman to me. also less clothes to take off, i can also see her nipples, her pubes, and the rash she must have picked up last night. LESS CLOTHES! MORE HOES!

5. that eerie mysterious feeling wondering what kind of disease or rash one will wake up with in the morning. it's almost like a lucky dip really - will i get the explosive feeling of the good kind? or the next morning explosive panic shits BECAUSE SHE HAS GIVEN ME AIDS?

ps. silly boy, all girls have feelings, the slutty ones just hump em out.

fg

GO FUCK YOURSELF DAY

(I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR 19 YEARS AND NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO FUCK WITH MY V DAY OPINION! MY HEART YEARNS FOR A BEAR HOLDING AN I LOVE YOU MESSAGE. I'D PRETEND I HATED THAT SHIT BUT REALLY I'D TREASURE IT IN MY CRAFT BOX WHERE NO ONE EVER LOOKS..)

V DAY. VIRGIN DAY. VERY UNFAIR DAY. DAY TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE SHIT. DAY TO MAKE COUPLES FEEL LIKE SUPER PEOPLE WHEN REALLY, SINGLES PROBABLY HAVE MORE SEX WITH MORE PEOPLE, IN MORE POSITIONS, IN MORE SPONTANEOUS PLACES, SAYING MORE DIRTY THINGS (BECAUSE WE'RE DRUNK AND DRUNK SEX IS PORN SEX, AND WE DON'T KNOW THE PARTNER VERY WELL SO IT'S ALL LET'S BE DRAMATIC AND MAKE THIS **A NIGHT TO REMEMBER** CRINGE.

this isn't a survival guide, there's no way to survive valentines day. it's just a genuinely shitty day for single people, even shittier when you're single and you like someone who doesn't like you back, or you like someone and they like someone else, or you're single and you have no friends and no one to even toy the idea of liking with, or you're ugly, or you're slutty and you finally realised that yeah - you fuck to be loved and no one is knockin on ya door this lonely feb 14th.

SIGH. (not the orgasmic kind like all the COUPLES are probably having.)

HERE ARE THE KEY THINGS THAT I HATE ABOUT VALENTINES DAY:

1. it exists.

2. the way it's meant to like show someone how much you love them but REALLY. really it's about showing everyone else how much you love them. EG. girl at my school's bf sent her THE BIGGEST FUCKING BEAR I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN IN MY LIFE AND MY VAGINA QUIVERED AT THE SIGHT OF IT. (i'm not dissing her at all here it's just jealousy.) but like what the fuck, why did he have to send it to school? could he not give it to her while it was just the two of them? maybe like mid fuck or something. perhaps after a romantic dinner out? no, because ooooh my v day is about showin da love to all da loveless.

3. bears and toys and shit. cool. but i'd rather get an orgasm than a toy bear holding a heart saying i love you. how much did that shit cost you? cos that's lame and i'd also rather food, a really long conversation, a list of things you like about me, spending time with you...etc, this list is pointless because i don't have a valentine... oh god tears on my keyboard... hahahaha

4. there's always that friend who has a bf who's like 'nah! we can hang out!' and WANTS to get in on the single gals v day plans. UM NO, by being in a relationship you are excluded from this sad, sad, group of people. go and enjoy the bliss your partner has prepared because we're probs just going to hit up thai village and get really really sadly drunk at byo.

HERE ARE SOME IDEAS OF HOW SINGLE PEOPLE CAN CELEBRATE VALENTINES DAY:

1. watch the notebook

2. hang out with all your other single friends and talk about your feelings

3. not do any of the above because they are PATHETIC AND LAME AND THE REASON WHY WE ARE SINGLE.

4. do something you know you shouldn't be doing because let's be real everyones too loved up in their life to notice that you're stealing stuff, or breaking into here, or sexing him.

5. go out and look fucking hot and DON'T go out with the intention of getting with guys or talking to guys or any of that shit because you WILL be disappointed. if you have no expectations of the male species then you will forever be satisfied. wink.

FG XO

TO THE FACE/4

cumming soon!

what do you guys want me to write about?

(poor barb, eyes open and all, least her lashes look fab)