I DIE

happy new year readers! hope your year was a good one - let's be real it wasn't as shit as you think it was, you did laugh, you did have a fuckin good time. i hope that regardless of what you did to celebrate the new year you were ready for annnnnything and smelt delicious! and let's get this str888 - things will definitely change this year, who knows if it will be for the better. new problems, new bitches, new girl types and new boy problems. can't wait to share my newly discovered lols of hate with you. xx fg

ps. the photo is of me with best friends beeeautiful baby HUNTER FLEET who was due on new years eve but surprised us a few weeks early. he is pretty much my future husband and was my first kiss of the year! (well not really because he comad on me and left early but i'll still count it).

SO RIGHT IT HURTS. GOD DAMN! READ IT AND AVOID WEEPING.CREW SCREWINGby CHARLOTTE GUIGOU (read her blog here)

SO RIGHT IT HURTS. GOD DAMN! READ IT AND AVOID WEEPING.

CREW SCREWING

by CHARLOTTE GUIGOU (

read her blog

here)

Here's an excellent topic for a first post:
Don't screw the crew


An early lesson that my older sister constantly drilled into my head. Pretty self-explanatory really. Don't get involved (romantically) with anyone in your group of friends. I don't know why so many others haven't heard of this majestic saying. Easy to remember, spectacular results.
I say this because it seems where I come from there is an epidemic of crew screwing, and it only leads to tears. This is not even a recent epidemic, it has been absolutely chronic.


I once fell prey to a bit of crew screwing, let me tell you, it was not pretty. In fact, it still isn't. It started off as a pleasant enough friendship, we had many many mutual friends, common interests, stimulating conversation.
But then, like most crew screws start, we got drunk and made out.
I'm telling you now, if you are sensible you will stop in your tracks, haul yourself off your friend and stumble back (with as much dignity as possible) to wherever the bulk of interesting people are hanging out and continue engaging in lovely platonic activities.


I did not.


The relationship itself was pretty functional as far as relationships go. In fact, the only benefit of crew screwing I can think of is that you never have to worry about efficiently balancing your time with friends and partner. Other than my entire circle of friends (with a smattering of strangers) knowing everything about the more intimate parts of my life, I did not seem to be having a problem with crew screwing. I began to doubt the crew screwing rule. Of course, the ending was very messy.
He pulled the "I hope we can still be friends" line.
What do you do then?
Well, of course you have to accept. Your now ex-boyfriend is still a part of the crew. You still want to spend time with your crew, don't you? And there is where crew screwing will always fail. Being forced to spend time with an ex is always a painful affair, I don't care what you say. At the very least, it's awkward. It doesn't allow for the healing time your bruised self-confidence so desperately needs. It is like constantly opening a fresh wound.
As if it wasn't painful enough, your ex will most likely continue the crew screwing cycle. Yes, they will move onto your other friends. Yes, you will have to grit your teeth and mask your jealous face from all you love. Soon you will become a blubbering hermit, too scared to show your heartbreak to the crew you were once so eager to be a part of.


To disboey this rule, is to enter a world of pain.
Remember the words
Don't screw the crew.

TO THE FACE/3

short (like him) and sweet (like you)

KITTEN HEELS ARE NOT OKAY ANYMORE.

meow young and mighty feelin too proud with your pussy heels on. you may or not be able to relate to the heightened feeling of accomplishment that you can walk in your 3cm high shoes but seriously. i understand. i remember my first pair of heels they were some very (very) cool strappy black slutty fake leather i don't even know probably dog skin kind of mess and i wore them to every ball and party and i found it terribly hard to walk and "omg i wuz nt drunk my he3ls wer just rel hi lol!". firstly, i still have them. secondly, i hope to pass them on to my first child whether it be girl or boy they will be forced to wear them while i throw PLATFORMS at the kid just so i can reinforce the idea that kitten heels mean pain. pain in the feet, pain in social status, and just general pain in the ass for people having to look at you. can you just not? hunny i have size 11 feet and i still manage to decent footwear (or i fuckin squeeze that shit) none of this 'kitten heels are all that fits me right now" - i will not accept

YE OLD DEBATE OF LEGGINGS

leggings were created for many purposes, accentuating your fanny flaps was not one of them. now don't get me wrong i'm bloody glad to see you have a crevice in the right place and all but fa reals girl? i don't like animals and i sure as HELL don't like no camel! perhaps you would like to walk around with a chiffon singlet on with no bra on? because thats the kind of violation im feeling right now ok. i'm seeing vagina and i'm getting sweaty, not happy sweaty, panic sweaty (as in does this still seriously happen? am i really being forced to stare at her fanny line right now? does she realise i can probably guess the depth of her flaps right now?). oh man, i get it - when you're tired at home you want to rock the cam. that's fine! but in public? i mean COME ON, IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO FIND A TOP THAT COVERS YOUR VAGINA. it only has to be 5cm longer than a normal top (no, probably longer but i'm from hamilton). oh man there's only one thing worse than someone who wears leggings as pants. and that's someone who wears leggings as pants with kitten heels.

CLOTHES WHAT CLOTHES!

guys it happened, i finally did it, i slept naked the whole night without chickening out. i used to talk about this whole nude sleeping thing with my guy friends and they played it out as this real normal thing and i tried it a few times but freaked out at how easy it would be for me to just wee and shit right there in my bed with no sort of underwear barrier.. not that i would shit and wee anyway, just that it was way more possible whilst naked. anyway, i would get into bed and be all ooh so calm ooh so free ooh so.. nah can't do this shit and i'd get up and put some clothes on. one time i slept with no top on but that was just me doing a half assed job. but wow! holy shit! it was so mean, i felt so free and there was no undies up my ass when i woke up. no singlet strangling my face, just blanket and me, me and my blanket. try it if you haven't. boom.

FUCK YEAH PUSSY SLAYA

ok what the fuck. you're totally aloud to talk yuck like this if you're a girl i'm so over having to pretend to be all girly and shit. i can say this if i want and so can you. if you want to say you got a pounding the other night you fuckin can! (haha hello friend who told me this) how else will describe it? "we made love in the most aggressive way" NAAH FUCK THAT. you got slammed and i want to hear all about it. nah ok that's pretty ott and a bit gross but you get what i mean. guys are aloud to be flippin metro with their showering and wiping their ass (wtf since when did males have a hygiene conscience) so it's only fair i can talk explicitly seeing as this is something only males are supposed to do. word to ya mathas come on gals.

fg

**THINGS BOYS NEED TO KNOW. **

i'm a bitch so don't take this shit seriously, seriously

1.

don't cry. lets be real why the fuck should a girl have to comfort you ALL the time. and i say ALL the time because boys who cry once often cry ALL the time. seriously, if you want to cry ALL the time, why don't you replace it with something more useful, and normal, like wanking, or eating, or wanking, seriously it's allgood if you wana wank ALL the time, just make sure you thinking about me comforting you as you cry ALL the time, it's like you get your comforting satisfaction without bothering anyone else AND you still get water works, or a creamy mess. whatever.

2.

good things take time. i know it only takes you a good 2 minutes to come, but for some - they actually like to reach the 5 minute mark every once and a while.

3.

if someone doesn't have a facebook or they don't know what jersey shore is, they're automatically so much fucking hotter. ooh you don't know who snooki is, you so mysterious, i could quote lines from mtv thinking i was funny and you'd never know. "so we'd been poking for a solid month now and i just didn't know what would come next" (he's thinking come? i know what's gona fuckin come). anyway, don't we all just want to not have facebook sometimes, i always go to delete mine, i think of the free time i'd have and how people would actually make an effort if they wanted to hang. but then i think of the satisfaction i get when i hit the 50 likes on a status. ha ha ha sorry guys my heads a little large.

4.

read up on the body language. when you're making out/ldping/sexing/watching each other masty.. (i dunno some kids like that) - if she gets all limp and defenseless then take it as a sign to get all dominating and shit, (note: she may also have passed out from yo massive PENIS, so make sure you know how to resuscitate ) but if she's all roar i'm a lion king let me ruffle ya feathers, let her for a bit it probs turns her on. just know that the limp thing should never stay too limp for long, (this applies to more things than just her body..).

5.

if you can't grow a legit mo just don't fucking grow one. pedophiles are real and you're just making reality that much more unbearable for all of us. seriously what are you trying to achieve with that nasty fuzz on the top of your lip. just WAIT i'm sure it will get to legit mo growing thickness in no time. but for now. PLEASE, just please, keep it clean. But if you can grow a legit mo, then by all means go for it we all like a bit of mexicana brightening up our day.

6.

look like justin bobby. google him. study up. that's all a woman needs right there. UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO SEXY IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY

7.

don't have justin bobby's personality (well do, i love that arrogant mysterious thing but it's pretty cunty (cringe).

8.

be yourself, don't try too hard (unless you're trying not to cry - keep trying) and just accept that girls are the better sex in life. shame, your mums vagina owns you.

xo fg

sorry for the lack of posts. i'm shit at life obviously.

ps. a fat lady tried to squeeze past me at work yesterday as i stood in the corner hanging clothes, i said sorry for the tight squeeze and GOOD LORD, THE GLARE I GOT IN RETURN FOR DOING MY JOB!! i thought HANG ON. why the fuck am i apologizing! you're fat and i'm .. let's go with average (no tumblr girls do not count) build (i wept for a good 5 minutes deciding how to describe my body). I HAD A BANANA FOR BREKKIE AND IT SEEMS YOU STILL HAVE TO GIVE BIRTH TO 3 KIDS IN THERE. anyway, moral of the story is i will not apologize to fat people for them having to squeeze when there would have been no problem with her going through there if she was .. NOT OBESE

pps. i don't hate fat people as much as i appear to, i just hate that they all get tv shows about how fat they are, on to the next one. AND, she was really really fat, like definitely obese and it looked hard to walk, so seriously, she should have just taken the long way out where she didn't have to scowl at me and rub her rolls past me - would have burnt more calories anyway..

i'm alarmed this is nasty, but i gotta preach.

BIGGEST YEAR.

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whyyyyy!

- do boys always think it's ok to touch you when other people are in the room!?

oh my god seriously why, they all think it's game on as soon as the lights are off and everyone is "asleep". it's like they have some kind of fetish for knowing someone else will hear them and know that they're getting their touch on. awkward because although you DO want it, it's just too awkward to think about. you're scared they can hear and they're gonna think you're gross and why can't you just not. moral of the story, boys want to touch you when people are around. i don't know why, they just think it's cool and i think they like the danger of getting caught. it also makes for a good story the next morning. "yeah bro we fucked while you were in the room".

- do boys think it's ok to say they like you when they don't?

oh puppys. rainbows and fucking unicorns. i dunno but it's pretty shit of them and i'm sorry! their dick is probably hard and they're obviously wanting to insert that card of love into your atm. try not to make your atm a money tree aye. that will send the wrong idea. baaa leeev me.

- do i like tumblr so much?

yeah fuckers, i hated this thing for many years, genuinely thought it was about reblogging cool photos and trying to get shitloads of followers. turns out i was right. and then i realised it was like this random FUCKING DRUG that you need your fix of EVERYDAY and you get lost in peoples "online scrapbooks" shall we say, most of the time i just like to nod at all the heartbroken ones, cry at how i want my bones to stick out of my shoulders like all the naked girls ones do, lie in a loft on a bed with no fucking frame (yeah i know right, sleepin on the floor is for the sexually active - you don't live in tumblr land and have a bed on the ground with no one to fuck on it with. be real), have a gaze at the flicking GIFS - so much wonder, have lols at peoples tumblr names - because again, let's not deny that people try to sound very very very alternative and whimsical when naming their "blog" ie. unicornsarefree, youngandrestless, stickyourdickinme, imonly12butthisallowsme2- haveabonybodyhenceiamnowamodel AND FINALLY agree with a slight weep at the unrequited love ones. yeah bitches you do too. i'll only repost those ones if they're a little bit grungy though yano - gotta keep the edge.

do girls pretend to find that one (not cool) boy that texts them all the time really annoying

there's a thing called attention and he gives you it, i bet he makes hints all the time and he compliments you and lets you talk about you wana talk about etc etc etc . you definitely hold all the power in that little textationship you got going on there. now run run run - run with the power and never let go.

ps. tumblr is not a blog. this is.

it's been so long.

THE DEPRESSIONISTA

"Don't cry because it's over.

Smile because it happened."

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

ANNOYINGLY POSITIVE type person kind of quote! i hate these! it's a mind fuck really. seriously, the thing is in life, you kind of have to feel really shit to enjoy the good parts. so if you wanna fucking cry - go hundy. but just do it in your room, under the covers, in the shower, in the rain, whilst really sweaty, when you think everyone else is asleep (it's more dramatic that way). it's even better if you are completely silent and the tears run slowly down your face whilst listening to some coldplay.. or bon iver/lykke li if you're too salty. make sure you have headphones in though! none of this loud music so everyone knows im upset kind of shit - not cool - keep your weakness to yourself aye kids. oh! if you're finding that your heart or liver or whatever body part you feel with is jizzing onto your facebook status' then maybe.. get a diary.. no shit i swear by mine i have 2 full books of the funniest shit EVER. like genuine lol worthy stuff that i thought was the end of the world like people "gettin poked at new yearz" "being official" and "Hookin up 4 da first time!". OR you could turn whatever thought you have into an angry hate life one - people love this shit eg your 'why does he hurt me' could be turned into 'boys are cunts' - guaranteed winner everytime, now people don't think you're a sad sack! you're a hard ass girl who don't take shit from anyone!

NOTE.

1. the above advice does not apply to males. you may feel like you want to cry sometimes but it's probably just gas.
2. you can cry to your friends OBVIOUSLY but not all the time - that shit gets old.
3. drunk crying is so not cool (and fucking embarrassing) try to get over it it quick get back into the room and keep on partying.. (i know it's hard and doesn't seem possible but just try!).

xoxox fg luvz yu!

ps. i still hate the word cunt!

Ya Got Me Meltin Like A Sundae, And I Want Ya.

TO THE FACE

NO, NOT A CUM SHOT. BUT IF I DIED TOMORROW (TOUCH WOOD - NOT HIS) WHAT ADVICE WOULD I HAVE TO GIVE..

SAY NO TO NECK.

Once again, hickeys are a no in general but if you must (god, i get it, you're in the moment and it feels nice) just say no to neck! you aren't some horey chick who works at the fish and chip shop with a sweet 'bruise' on her neck. (loling at myself because once apon a time when i was a mere 16 i was face raped by a lovely fella who thought it a nice idea to seach for blood in my head holder. yep buddy, it's there, definitely a blood flow.. oh yep, just incase anyone else wanted to know THEY CAN SEE IT TOO. eughhhh CRINGE)

ALWAYS PUT THE CHILLI IN YOUR MI GORENG

for fucks sake, even if it's just half. and if you can't handle hot stuff. don't bother with it mi goreng at all, you're pitiful.

UGLY PHOTOS ARE FOR LOLS

if you joke about life and or your life in general. then no one has the right to laugh at you, they're just joining in. if i upload ugly photos of myself onto facebook (haha all da tymz) then, people can't diss me - it's like ha ha ha, i acknowledge that i can be hella ugz so let's have a lol. RATHER THAN you having edited as fuck photos of you lookin hella fine at all times (when lets be real, you pretty ugly after 5pm) and then! they see you in person and they're disappointed. imboycrazy says the opposite, ie don't have any ugly photos but she's hot in general and her ugly will be my ball photo.

ALWAYS BE READY

ready as in, yeaaaah ready, as in, wear nice underwear, sort the situation out, smell good in al the right places, neck, back of neck, pits, vag, legs. you want to be the good smelling girl when they hug you then they want to eat you all up. even if nothing happens (all you self respectin gals out there..) you'll still feel this thing that a lot of people lack.. confidence!

:)

Don't use smilie faces, ever, even if you're pet died or you've just been dumped, you will still look like a baby. can you not put into words how you feel? or do you just want to make what you're saying appear sexual ie. my dog just died ;) (woops, what would you do here, does this mean you want grief sex? does this even exist?).

MUSIC WILL AID YOU IN EVERYTHING

music is seriously the one thing that will always be there for you! fuck ya family, fuck ya friends! (not really this is a bit over the top) biggie will be there for all the parties and bullshit combined! i know it's frowned apon, but you need to have the following playlists in your itunes, or pod, or .. god forbid you're still hangin on to the greatness that is windows media player (hey, i've been there, you'll get through). sad - the songs that will make you feel more depressed than you already are and you can cry yourself to sleep listening to them, seriously who gives a shit. this music is for your self loathing sad nights when you hate life and boys and yourself. whyyyyyyy! happy - yeaaa! HAPPY MUSIC. AMP MUSIC, NAGGAR MUSIC AND FAVOURITES. there, you're done.

BOYS

will only make an effort if they want to make an effort. they're not patient enough to play games. so if they really genuinely want you they'll make it happen. this is a shitty thing to hear when they aren't making an effort. but it's better than expecting something to come from him being an absolute dick fuck with people saying he does it cos he likes you. if that's true then maybe he's just a little bit fucked fullstop. once you hit 25, nice boys will always come first and bad boys will be a distant memory. i think.

I..LIKE YOU

'love' has got to be one of the most overused words i have ever encountered. i'm guilty of over loving things! but not people! i don't tell people i love them unless i genuinely do! friends even! don't tell a new friend you love them because you don't (yes)! making the word special and rare means that when you do use it, people will see how much of a big deal it is.

ps. wtf is love

pps. happy living!

YEAAA I WANT YA ALL!

wildfox swimwear/cobrasnake