THE REAL DEAL.

1. i quit my job. no more fake retail assistant. no more targets. yes!! you look fat in that!! yes!! you have a camel toe!!! no!! i don't think that's hot!! you're a dirty hoe!! (i am only unemployed for a week or so, berry picking here i come!)

2. i was only nice to you when you came into work because you came in with your mum. and mum's are scary when they defend their children.

3. your name is janet, that's a mum name, but it's cool. like imagine that, "yeah, i fucked janet". how grease, how kinnicky. bottom line. work the mum name.

4. i'm not one to encourage casual sex. but do it with him. do it with him because it will be fun and you have already done it before, so the pussycat is familiar with her surroundings, it's nothing new and i want you to be happy. and that, that bizzniss you call love making, that makes you happy.

5. the fg thing is fun now, it's not a burden, you can make the fg thing your thing, you can be slutty with them and it's not slutty, it's you being a friend. look, i'm naked. it's okay, we're friends. look, you're naked, it's ok, we're friends, look we're all naked together but be careful. this may lead to an unexpected orgy, there's a line people.. there's a line.

6. i thought i liked the s&m sex in the air song, but i don't. and chains and whips do not excite me. boys do, and a little bit of stubble. so much that it's intentional. not lazy.

7. the multiple crush thing is real. when you're friends with boys it begins with a hi, you're obviously a boy and you have a penis. therefore you are a possible marriage candidate. second thought is - where do i put you? Friend boy category (aka no, sorry never, not gonna happen, yucky no no no) orrrrrrrrrrrr Possibly we could kiss on a rare occasion category (this is pretty much everytime, because i am desperate.) Lets clarify a crush. It's not a like like, there's 'i crush you' this means that i don't really know you but hey sexy boy (or not, depending on my level of desperation), then there is 'i like like you' - i know you now, i'd totally be able to hang out with you in my ugly clothes and i could text you random shit i see, like a dog pissing on someone or something. I have crushed 85% of my friends. 100% if you include girls. Jokes, kind of joking not really.

8. slow down, and don't be so aggressive.. you know what i'm talking about.

9. but don't be too slow, i don't want to be thinking about food, or what we'll do after, or how bad it is.

10. that friend you hate but you don't hate them, you hate thinking about them but when you're with them you fucking love them so much. And you laugh heaps. thank you for being the shit on my shoe, the salt in my shaker, the nip on my tit.