5 THINGS GUYS DO IN TOWN* THAT WILL AUTOMATICALLY TELL YOU WHERE THEY FALL ON THE LOSER SCALE.

1 being not very loser at all, 10 being, just fuck off.

*fortunately some only apply to hamilton xo

1. the guy who touches your ass (usually in town etc) before he has even asked your name/greeted you/seen your face.

heeeeeeeeeeey sexy chick, i'm a fun, playful, full of confidence kinda guy and i don't need no hey to touch you. by touching your ass, getting my finger near your SHIT HOLE and squeezing it like it was a casual crack up thing - i am showing you that i am a cheeky guy (scuse the pun) - if you turn around i'll casually disappear into the sea of jayjays t-shirts and sneakily watch you try to figure out who it was. this guy is just clueless, he obviously just wants your pussy for the night and you OBVIOUSLY (ha ha ha hamilton) don't want it back, but i'm not going to lie to you when i say that every time my ass has been grabbed, a small small very tiny bit of excitement builds up in my pelvis and i am very grateful for the fact that my ass was chosen out of a few hundred to be touched. in saying that - i have seen males do the line grab - a one by one touch and go of the friends ass they pass the bar - each girl thinking she was the 1 in a million ass. you're not great, but you're not entirely shit either mate - 6/10.

2. the mystery grinder

oh wow, this guy has been around since my year 10 social back in high school, he wore a hawaiian shirt and it was unbuttoned. i didn't see him - but a friend did. she was giving me the thumbs up so i happily rubbed my ass on his semi erect penis, my hands waving awkwardly in the air screaming to be witched or some shit. without knowing what he looked like i was loving my life! attention! a boy! my gelled back hair and fluoro leggings didn't know what to do with themselves. i turned around to see who this beautiful mystery man was - i was sure he'd be some basketball player with a ratty and a soft moe (*dreamy*). unfortunately i was unpleasantly surprised and ran away scared for my life. mystery grinders are EVERYWHERE, they're having a boogie with the the boys and as soon as you get eye contact or you touch them by accident on the d floor (and come the fuck on lets be real touching on the d floor is inevitable, sweat is pretty much just one big shared substance) THEY'RE IN FOR THE KILL - seriously it's like oh shit, my dicks touching your ass, oh shit my hands are wrapped around you, oh shit im going in to poke you, oh shit yeah, people are watching. FIRSTLY, how dare you grind me without my permission! and by permission i mean, you have to go through a quick courting process - eyes across the dance floor, smile, smile again, ignore for a bit, smile, get closer, then maybe, if you played the cards right - you can have a quick consented grind! only to be left looking like a dick while your eyes are closed and really getting into it. ha ha ha i'm imagining it now. guys are so shit. yuck, these boys are pretty common - and it's easy to get away from them so i guess they score pretty low 4/10 UNLESS THEY FOLLOW YOU AND ACTUALLY TRY TO POKE YOU 8/10 MATE! THERE'S A LINE!

3. the nelly ambassador

yeah, just because we're all in this sweaty little room and it's 'getting hot in heeer' does NOT mean that you have to take your top off. seriously i do NOT want to see your erect nipples as your sweat flings onto me while you so carelessly whip your body like it's some kind of .. fuck i don't even know. like - can you not? you may even be real cut and shit but i don't really see the attraction in hugging you then sliding off you. or you being on stage as i watch you slowly but surely peel off what used to be a singlet which is now just a fuckin RAG that is clinging to your skin for dare life. IS IT COLD IN HERE? BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO HAVE AN EXTREME CASE OF FRIPPLE!! EW EVEN WORSE WHEN HE WRAPS THE TOP AROUND HIS HEAD!WHAT IS THIS?!?!?! BROOKLYN?!?!!! IS THERE A REASON WHY YOU HAVE A DO-RAG ON YOUR HEAD YOU WANNABE!! damn son, this shit pisses me off - but i like laughing at you while i encourage you to embarrass yourself 8/10

4. mr alice

"i'm lost i can't find my mates im just gona hang out with you till i find them". YOOOOU DUMB SHIT. do you really think i am buying that? next it will be oh they just text me they left without me can i go home with you? NO. you're an annoying puppy and i want to dance with my friends, now i have you following us around and we barely even know each other. this is usually someone you don't know very well - they aren't a friend but perhaps you've seen them round a bit so i guess it's 'acceptable' for them to hang out with you. but damn this annoys me - chicks do it too. it's desperate and if your mates don't want to hang out with you then why would i? straight up, this isn't hard to rate 9/10.

5. bruno mars

sometimes i have a moment when i walk into a club and i scan the building to see whats up. sometimes i see some friends dry humping against the wall, an older man buying a blonde a drink, a sea of kids with glow sticks seizing again and again to dubsteb. all things i have become used to seeing, i almost worry when i don't! but on the off night (i repeat night, when it's dark, and it's nighttime because it has already been day and the sun has gone down and the moon has come up because it was the end of the day and now it is after DARK) i see SOME MOTHER FUCKER wearing sunglasses inside, i don't give a shit if they're ray bans mate, i don't even give a shit if you're pinging like a lunatic i DON'T care that you're fuckin blazed! TAKE THEM OFF YOU LOOK LIKE AN ABSOLUTE HOMO AND IT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT SUNNY INSIDE. ugh seriously. turn of x1000000000000000000000000 PEOPLE WHO (AREN'T BLIND AND) WEAR SUNNIES INSIDE AND AT NIGHT TIME ARE NUMBER ONE 10/10!!!!

hope you guys are living scandalously.

xoxo friend girl

5 reasons why:

boys love **slutty chicks**

(just 4 lols)

1. so convenient! like that plastic cheese, or 2 minute noodles - just rip open that packet of fake flavoured love and let the good times roll.

2. they're like a disposable nappy, you can shit all over them, then throw them in the trash.

3. usually the chick knows whats up aka nothing is up except his penis, inside her. how perfect! a girl who doesn't have feelings! she doesn't even care that i'm slapping her, or that i've totally forgotten her name, what is it again?

4. confidence, any chick who can walk down the street in a sheer singlet and call it a dress is a confident woman to me. also less clothes to take off, i can also see her nipples, her pubes, and the rash she must have picked up last night. LESS CLOTHES! MORE HOES!

5. that eerie mysterious feeling wondering what kind of disease or rash one will wake up with in the morning. it's almost like a lucky dip really - will i get the explosive feeling of the good kind? or the next morning explosive panic shits BECAUSE SHE HAS GIVEN ME AIDS?

ps. silly boy, all girls have feelings, the slutty ones just hump em out.

fg

GO FUCK YOURSELF DAY

(I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR 19 YEARS AND NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO FUCK WITH MY V DAY OPINION! MY HEART YEARNS FOR A BEAR HOLDING AN I LOVE YOU MESSAGE. I'D PRETEND I HATED THAT SHIT BUT REALLY I'D TREASURE IT IN MY CRAFT BOX WHERE NO ONE EVER LOOKS..)

V DAY. VIRGIN DAY. VERY UNFAIR DAY. DAY TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE SHIT. DAY TO MAKE COUPLES FEEL LIKE SUPER PEOPLE WHEN REALLY, SINGLES PROBABLY HAVE MORE SEX WITH MORE PEOPLE, IN MORE POSITIONS, IN MORE SPONTANEOUS PLACES, SAYING MORE DIRTY THINGS (BECAUSE WE'RE DRUNK AND DRUNK SEX IS PORN SEX, AND WE DON'T KNOW THE PARTNER VERY WELL SO IT'S ALL LET'S BE DRAMATIC AND MAKE THIS **A NIGHT TO REMEMBER** CRINGE.

this isn't a survival guide, there's no way to survive valentines day. it's just a genuinely shitty day for single people, even shittier when you're single and you like someone who doesn't like you back, or you like someone and they like someone else, or you're single and you have no friends and no one to even toy the idea of liking with, or you're ugly, or you're slutty and you finally realised that yeah - you fuck to be loved and no one is knockin on ya door this lonely feb 14th.

SIGH. (not the orgasmic kind like all the COUPLES are probably having.)

HERE ARE THE KEY THINGS THAT I HATE ABOUT VALENTINES DAY:

1. it exists.

2. the way it's meant to like show someone how much you love them but REALLY. really it's about showing everyone else how much you love them. EG. girl at my school's bf sent her THE BIGGEST FUCKING BEAR I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN IN MY LIFE AND MY VAGINA QUIVERED AT THE SIGHT OF IT. (i'm not dissing her at all here it's just jealousy.) but like what the fuck, why did he have to send it to school? could he not give it to her while it was just the two of them? maybe like mid fuck or something. perhaps after a romantic dinner out? no, because ooooh my v day is about showin da love to all da loveless.

3. bears and toys and shit. cool. but i'd rather get an orgasm than a toy bear holding a heart saying i love you. how much did that shit cost you? cos that's lame and i'd also rather food, a really long conversation, a list of things you like about me, spending time with you...etc, this list is pointless because i don't have a valentine... oh god tears on my keyboard... hahahaha

4. there's always that friend who has a bf who's like 'nah! we can hang out!' and WANTS to get in on the single gals v day plans. UM NO, by being in a relationship you are excluded from this sad, sad, group of people. go and enjoy the bliss your partner has prepared because we're probs just going to hit up thai village and get really really sadly drunk at byo.

HERE ARE SOME IDEAS OF HOW SINGLE PEOPLE CAN CELEBRATE VALENTINES DAY:

1. watch the notebook

2. hang out with all your other single friends and talk about your feelings

3. not do any of the above because they are PATHETIC AND LAME AND THE REASON WHY WE ARE SINGLE.

4. do something you know you shouldn't be doing because let's be real everyones too loved up in their life to notice that you're stealing stuff, or breaking into here, or sexing him.

5. go out and look fucking hot and DON'T go out with the intention of getting with guys or talking to guys or any of that shit because you WILL be disappointed. if you have no expectations of the male species then you will forever be satisfied. wink.

FG XO

**THINGS BOYS NEED TO KNOW. **

i'm a bitch so don't take this shit seriously, seriously

1.

don't cry. lets be real why the fuck should a girl have to comfort you ALL the time. and i say ALL the time because boys who cry once often cry ALL the time. seriously, if you want to cry ALL the time, why don't you replace it with something more useful, and normal, like wanking, or eating, or wanking, seriously it's allgood if you wana wank ALL the time, just make sure you thinking about me comforting you as you cry ALL the time, it's like you get your comforting satisfaction without bothering anyone else AND you still get water works, or a creamy mess. whatever.

2.

good things take time. i know it only takes you a good 2 minutes to come, but for some - they actually like to reach the 5 minute mark every once and a while.

3.

if someone doesn't have a facebook or they don't know what jersey shore is, they're automatically so much fucking hotter. ooh you don't know who snooki is, you so mysterious, i could quote lines from mtv thinking i was funny and you'd never know. "so we'd been poking for a solid month now and i just didn't know what would come next" (he's thinking come? i know what's gona fuckin come). anyway, don't we all just want to not have facebook sometimes, i always go to delete mine, i think of the free time i'd have and how people would actually make an effort if they wanted to hang. but then i think of the satisfaction i get when i hit the 50 likes on a status. ha ha ha sorry guys my heads a little large.

4.

read up on the body language. when you're making out/ldping/sexing/watching each other masty.. (i dunno some kids like that) - if she gets all limp and defenseless then take it as a sign to get all dominating and shit, (note: she may also have passed out from yo massive PENIS, so make sure you know how to resuscitate ) but if she's all roar i'm a lion king let me ruffle ya feathers, let her for a bit it probs turns her on. just know that the limp thing should never stay too limp for long, (this applies to more things than just her body..).

5.

if you can't grow a legit mo just don't fucking grow one. pedophiles are real and you're just making reality that much more unbearable for all of us. seriously what are you trying to achieve with that nasty fuzz on the top of your lip. just WAIT i'm sure it will get to legit mo growing thickness in no time. but for now. PLEASE, just please, keep it clean. But if you can grow a legit mo, then by all means go for it we all like a bit of mexicana brightening up our day.

6.

look like justin bobby. google him. study up. that's all a woman needs right there. UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO SEXY IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY

7.

don't have justin bobby's personality (well do, i love that arrogant mysterious thing but it's pretty cunty (cringe).

8.

be yourself, don't try too hard (unless you're trying not to cry - keep trying) and just accept that girls are the better sex in life. shame, your mums vagina owns you.

xo fg

sorry for the lack of posts. i'm shit at life obviously.

ps. a fat lady tried to squeeze past me at work yesterday as i stood in the corner hanging clothes, i said sorry for the tight squeeze and GOOD LORD, THE GLARE I GOT IN RETURN FOR DOING MY JOB!! i thought HANG ON. why the fuck am i apologizing! you're fat and i'm .. let's go with average (no tumblr girls do not count) build (i wept for a good 5 minutes deciding how to describe my body). I HAD A BANANA FOR BREKKIE AND IT SEEMS YOU STILL HAVE TO GIVE BIRTH TO 3 KIDS IN THERE. anyway, moral of the story is i will not apologize to fat people for them having to squeeze when there would have been no problem with her going through there if she was .. NOT OBESE

pps. i don't hate fat people as much as i appear to, i just hate that they all get tv shows about how fat they are, on to the next one. AND, she was really really fat, like definitely obese and it looked hard to walk, so seriously, she should have just taken the long way out where she didn't have to scowl at me and rub her rolls past me - would have burnt more calories anyway..

i'm alarmed this is nasty, but i gotta preach.

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TO THE FACE

NO, NOT A CUM SHOT. BUT IF I DIED TOMORROW (TOUCH WOOD - NOT HIS) WHAT ADVICE WOULD I HAVE TO GIVE..

SAY NO TO NECK.

Once again, hickeys are a no in general but if you must (god, i get it, you're in the moment and it feels nice) just say no to neck! you aren't some horey chick who works at the fish and chip shop with a sweet 'bruise' on her neck. (loling at myself because once apon a time when i was a mere 16 i was face raped by a lovely fella who thought it a nice idea to seach for blood in my head holder. yep buddy, it's there, definitely a blood flow.. oh yep, just incase anyone else wanted to know THEY CAN SEE IT TOO. eughhhh CRINGE)

ALWAYS PUT THE CHILLI IN YOUR MI GORENG

for fucks sake, even if it's just half. and if you can't handle hot stuff. don't bother with it mi goreng at all, you're pitiful.

UGLY PHOTOS ARE FOR LOLS

if you joke about life and or your life in general. then no one has the right to laugh at you, they're just joining in. if i upload ugly photos of myself onto facebook (haha all da tymz) then, people can't diss me - it's like ha ha ha, i acknowledge that i can be hella ugz so let's have a lol. RATHER THAN you having edited as fuck photos of you lookin hella fine at all times (when lets be real, you pretty ugly after 5pm) and then! they see you in person and they're disappointed. imboycrazy says the opposite, ie don't have any ugly photos but she's hot in general and her ugly will be my ball photo.

ALWAYS BE READY

ready as in, yeaaaah ready, as in, wear nice underwear, sort the situation out, smell good in al the right places, neck, back of neck, pits, vag, legs. you want to be the good smelling girl when they hug you then they want to eat you all up. even if nothing happens (all you self respectin gals out there..) you'll still feel this thing that a lot of people lack.. confidence!

:)

Don't use smilie faces, ever, even if you're pet died or you've just been dumped, you will still look like a baby. can you not put into words how you feel? or do you just want to make what you're saying appear sexual ie. my dog just died ;) (woops, what would you do here, does this mean you want grief sex? does this even exist?).

MUSIC WILL AID YOU IN EVERYTHING

music is seriously the one thing that will always be there for you! fuck ya family, fuck ya friends! (not really this is a bit over the top) biggie will be there for all the parties and bullshit combined! i know it's frowned apon, but you need to have the following playlists in your itunes, or pod, or .. god forbid you're still hangin on to the greatness that is windows media player (hey, i've been there, you'll get through). sad - the songs that will make you feel more depressed than you already are and you can cry yourself to sleep listening to them, seriously who gives a shit. this music is for your self loathing sad nights when you hate life and boys and yourself. whyyyyyyy! happy - yeaaa! HAPPY MUSIC. AMP MUSIC, NAGGAR MUSIC AND FAVOURITES. there, you're done.

BOYS

will only make an effort if they want to make an effort. they're not patient enough to play games. so if they really genuinely want you they'll make it happen. this is a shitty thing to hear when they aren't making an effort. but it's better than expecting something to come from him being an absolute dick fuck with people saying he does it cos he likes you. if that's true then maybe he's just a little bit fucked fullstop. once you hit 25, nice boys will always come first and bad boys will be a distant memory. i think.

I..LIKE YOU

'love' has got to be one of the most overused words i have ever encountered. i'm guilty of over loving things! but not people! i don't tell people i love them unless i genuinely do! friends even! don't tell a new friend you love them because you don't (yes)! making the word special and rare means that when you do use it, people will see how much of a big deal it is.

ps. wtf is love

pps. happy living!

FRUSH.

no, not that sticky substance that comes out of your vag. FRUSH! that awkward yearning, the throb you get when you want .. your FRIEND.

THIS GENUINELY SUCKS. I UNDERSTAND. AS IVE ADMITTED TO BEFORE, CRUSHIN FRIENDS IS NORMAL. haha yeah cos i know that shit. one day me and L confessed to each other that we crushed a friend. i said mine - she said me too. she said hers.. i said me too. and we realised that we'd gone through all of our male friends and crushed them at one point in time. firstly, GOD HOW DESPO. secondly, yeah, i'm gonna go ahead and say still desperate.

but i get it right?! IT'S BECAUSE YOU SEE THEM AS A PERFECT BOYFRIEND WHEN YOU HANG OUT. ie, you already do shit that boyfriends and gf's do except the physical shit ie ya share secrets ya lol all the time together (you're probably loling way more cos you're madly frothing at the mouth for him LOL ..DESPO), and people always say 'are you guys togeths', or people suggest shit like that. haha oh god i've been here, totz hand up here going to tell you that friend crushes are totally okay (haha who am i to know) i get that it sucks, cos he totally rapes you for all your worth with advice and all the mean gf friendly friend to lean on and all you want is to seal the deal with a mean as ldp on the beach or some shit i duno, however your fantasies go.

bad news, your frush is pretty much a sticky substance that lingers and there's no pill or cream to fix it. i frush way too easy, but when you genuinely frush someone, like so much to the point that you cry yourself to sleep imagining what it would be like when he tells you he likes you back and he sees you as more than a 'cool chick' or a 'good bitch' (we've all been there..) maybe you should do something about it. like tell him (don't do this, he probably only sees you as a friend and it saves a fuckload of embarrassment. just know that.. im here 4 yew) ANYWAY, if he wants ya, he'll make the effort.

xoxo fg

GIRL TYPES 101

0.6: the pancake girl

(name thanks to lydia)

she's not a bitch per say. she's just half a bitch. she's that burnt side of the burger, the ugly one in the relationship, the little nag you get when you're having fun and you feel guilty. pancake girl will flip when she wants to be your friend and flip back when she doesn't. someone needs to tell her to get her fucking ass out of the clouds and realise that being a friend isn't a part time thing. it's not something you can just switch on and off. because if this shit was true - we'd all be friends with everyone - we would, look, we'd be friends with one chick, then enemies with her the next, besties with her enemy then enemies with your ex friend. it's confusing, it's bullshit. if you're sitting there nodding, a little worried that you are a pg - don't be ashamed, girls bitch, they do, even the nicest girls in the world have some pretty sweet bitch pipes in them. just get a diary or a burn book, or a voodoo doll ..

here's the thing, it's some big secret that people don't want to accept but we need to if we're going to move on.. IT'S OK to not want to be friends with someone anymore. i repeat fine. who are you to force and fake the relationship when you secretly hate them? when everything they say makes you want to rip your insides out of your nose? lets be real, i'd rather just stop being friends with someone, and have a neutral passer by "hey" relationship than one where i have to question everything she says because i wonder if they said something the total opposite to someone else. this goes for me too, it's shit when you bitch about someone then are friends to their face. you feel guilty and what's the point exactly? why are you hanging out with them if you hate them so much. it also allows your friendship to be remembered on good terms more of a hey remember when we (insert fun shit here) rather than 'i fucking hated that bitch she was a shit friend".

i think that girls have to bitch, it's fucking shit. it's the worst thing they/we do because we just hate on each other and usually we hate on chicks for what guys do? whatever, if you're gonna bitch. do it to someone you know won't go tell (this advice is pointless). make sure you always say "i dont HATE them, i just don't like what they've been doing" - this way, if it ever gets back to them you can tell them that you hated that they slept with your bf on various occasions then told you that you were besties .. but hey, i don't hate cha" the h word is harsh i know, it's my favourite. BUT, if this friend is really worth it - they're one of those friends you do actually love to bits and you just get really pissed off with them alot - tell them when you have a problem with them - then the story won't get mushed up, you can be as witty as a mother fucker and pat cha self on ya back when you burn them etc etc. it works, you can have an open relationship with them where you know that sometimes you need a break, you can outwardly say "you're pissing me off" (im fa reals, i have a friendship like this we take regular breaks and when we get back together it's sweet)

dear girl 0.6

friends are like nappies, there's disposable and cloth - the cloth friends will last forever, through all that shit and piss. through all the asshole moments. disposable friends are cheap, uncomfortable, and you know, you just know right from the start that they won't last long. don't be a pancake, jus throw the friend out nicely and find some cloth because the longest friendships where you don't need to start again, or learn anything new about them are the best. it's un-awkward and there are no surprises. bottom line, rather than being a two faced piece of shit how about you just accept that you don't want this person in your life, and realise that without them in it - the need for this negative shit talking will not exist.

ps. sorry this is a little all over the place..

pps. don't worry, everyone's guilty of being a pancake girl

fg

1. make a list of all the things you want in a guy and DON'T have a person you already know in mind when you write it (you're totally being girl 0.5) and TRY not to do physical things.

2. screw that list up, burn it in a fire, get naked dance around it, do some tribal shit, get hella into it and realise that no ones fucking perfect and you'll be lucky if he fits half of your criteria.

here, i'll go first.

"HE WILL.."

• be funny, hilarious, absolutely the funniest person in the room cracking jokes ha ha ha ha ha i want to die he makes me laugh so hard that a little bit of wee nearly comes out EVERY time.
• have nice hair, so so so so so so so so important. i want to touch that shit when we make out i want to look at it while i nearly piss myself at your jokes.
• smell fuckin yum, yeah yeah this shit's cliche but he should have a scent or something. i ain't talkin no b.o business here - i'm not a jock hunter. like a musky confident clean sexy smell that makes me want to jump him every time we're together because yeah, he smells mean.
• have his own friends and life, i don't want to be your whole world - seriously fuck that it means that i won't get to have mine. a little bit of freedom and privacy is always nice and healthy.
• be a bit of a dick, i don't really like nice boys, or sensitive ones, actually i don't know what type i like. i just know i'm pretty much into guys who ignore me and fuck me off, though it's a nice challenge when i can compete for funniness with someone, just someone who isn't boring.
• be my friend, because this whole romantic shit will only go so far, and lets be real. they're just a friend that you can do waaay funner stuff with than your regular (girl)friends..
• know what he wants to do in life and make shit happen, whatever it is. i don't care. just make sure it's what you wanna do. if you want to be unemployed - own it!
• be mysterious and have all these things that you have to work for to find out about him, like every time he tells me something about himself it will feel like a privilege and shouldn't be taken for granted - he's getting all vulnerable and un-manly so this shit should not be taken lightly. if he's way too open about his feelings/past/secrets there's no mystery.
• be honest and never ever ever ever talk about me to my friends in a negative way. total shit hitting the fan situation. he can bitch about me to his friends (fairs fair). just not mine.

..and so i undress and dance

fg

"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."

B.R

GIRL TYPES 101

0.3: the friend girl

we've touched on (we're the only ones touchin on her if you know what i mean) the fg before and it's time we explore her FA'REALS. so the friend girl is a cool/funny/neverhasabf/neverhasguysintoher girl, she's the one that the guys she crushes will go to to have a mass winge or gross froth : "faaark why doesn't (insert non fg here) like me.. she's so hot and slutty and vaginal." OR "fuck yeah so i was just grinding on her then we fucked and she was a dirty bitch honestly. loved that shit" - this conversation will end in "man/bro/dude (insert fg name here) you're just so cool, you're not like other girls, i can talk to about mean shit. you're (yeah wait for it, this bit sounds cool at first but not after 6th time) ONE OF THE BOYS". OHHHH DEAR GOD IT BURNS. It's so flippin MEAN being a fg, you feel hella cool and you see people for people not for the genitals. UNLESS it's the boy you crush who you're the fg to. this sucks, i understand cos all you wanna do is froth up on that shit and get nasty with your cuddling. but you can't! you have to be all yeah im a cool gal, who talks about shitting, and swears and itches her balls or whatever. it's lame and it sucks ass but nothing can be done. being an fg is no disease gurl, slutty chicks who can only get guys to notice them by showing their minge or getting their supre singlet on are secretly yearning for the kind of relationship you have with these guys. i think. that's what i tell myself anyway..

dear girl 0.3

being a fg is mean and way better than being the hoe on the side. but seriously, if you crush the guy that takes advantage of your fg-ness then you need to set shit straight and just be for real. "hey, shut up i don't care how wet she was. this is awkward and you're gross. let's talk about shitting" (when what you're really thinking is oh my god don't cry don't cry don't cry that he's totally LOOKING PAST THE AMAZINGNESS THAT IS YOU and going straight to the carnival girl, y'know, the one who just wants to ride all the rides no matter how full the ride is. yeah you know. she's probs caught lotsa nasty diseases from all those rides..) and really, you'll totally end up being with one of these people one day anyway. as for now, being friends means that you can have fun and not have to be scared that you'll break up, or you'll get pregnant, or have to worry what you look like in front of them.

ps. don't get drunk and get with them.

pps. don't get drunk and think fuck it, i'll just get with random people and do stupid meaningless shit cos no one likes me anyway. things WILL get awkward and no one likes a carnival girl.

GIRL TYPES 101

0.2: the depressed single girl (DSG)

(no guys.. not me..) if you're still at high school - holy shit nothing matters, if it includes boys then it probably feels like the world will end and you'll be single forever which, yeah you probably will IF YOU THINK LIKE THAT. people aren't into other people who aren't into themselves! now don't listen to me too hard because my singleness is pretty much the joke of my life, i own it, it's funny, being single is fun.. (but seriously it is, if i think of all the things that come with being in a relationship.. like having a best friend and someone to love you and kiss you and shit it just seems fucking lame and annoying.. who am i kidding everyone wants to be liked and shit but there's alot that comes with it) LIKE fighting! and what - having to balance with friends! and having to satisfy them when you're real tired - yeah that's right, having to laugh at their jokes when they're not funny - like all da time, having to defend them when your friends dont like them and straight up just the whole penis thing is gross. haha jk. but really.

dear girl 0.2

the DSG will always want a boyfriend. she is often in relationships and as soon as she is out of them it's like bloody world war how many times shes been single and you better watch out cos she on da prowwwwwwwwwwl!WE ALL know one of these girls. they're annoying, desperate and you wonder if they could possibly survive living without being in a relationship. seriously, FUCK YOU. you deserve what you get here, if you say you love someone off the bat - this is gonna freak the shit out of them. YES 2 weeks is too early. YES it's creepy if you text it after he asked you out OVER text (CUUUTE/shit on your face). ahhh i cannot stress how much i want to knock some Aretha (jk not her, i thought of her because she's so ghetto fab and all, i'm a woman respect me but then i realised she had songs about guys making her feel like a natural woman wtf lady, what were you before? unnatural? ) into these bitches faces and pee on them! do you really identify yourself as someone who was only put on this earth to find someone else? nooooo noooo noooo. you were put here to live your life and not worry about that SHIT. LOVE WILL COME. whether it be in the form of a bastard child, a man (god forbid!), a woman, a cow (i hate animals but hey i heard some guy got frisk with one so..) or oh i dunno - friends. be patient.

love might not even be a real thing anyway. so you might be looking for something that doesn't even exist! wouldn't that just make you want to shit on every boy who's said it to you just to get a taste of your cherry pie.

ps. respect to aretha franklin you still a good laday.

GIRL TYPES 101

0.1: the girl who feels like she needs to let everyone know that she has a boyfriend.

(unfortunately these girls don't know what theyre doing.) which is grounding other girls heads into the ground with their "i love my bf, i love the way he, i miss my.." SERIOUSLY. no im serious - SWEET FUCKING FLOWERS FOR YOU THAT YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND YOU IN LOVE BUT WHY. I REPEAT WHY. do i have to go onto facebook to make my witty status of the day and get BOMBARDED with your comments on each others walls that clearly did not need to be there. if you want to be a cool couple then just don't. honestly, ya know people are in love when you see a a status from their gf saying "hey poo." or "you're gay" you'know. the old inside joke shit. but not something that you could have texted or rang or said to their face. ie "u left ur __ here from last night when you stayed over" AKA "hey boyfriend, that i sleep with, and we go out, because you're my boyfriend and we're in a relationship" you just WANT people to see! no one cares! we don't! i know! i've asked around! also your countless photos together, and the captions. oh dear god the captions! when your clearly state that he is your boyfriend like "my bf made me dinner aw" with a photo of him standing by a frying pan. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK!!!! i'l go take a pic of mum next time she cooks me dinner shall i.

dear girl 0.1

cool that you guys are together. honestly, im not that cold hearted. but we know ok. you're becoming one (which i personally think is vomit and a total loss of ones self because you're all into the other person and all 'im nothing without you' which is disgusting)

PS. seriously if you need to keep your fingers moving stop fucking typing and go touch each other or something if you really want to WRITE about it that bad)

things that make shit allgood/

are the source of being allgood/

that probably means the same thing

pies (or 2 pies, this would be the only other thing better than a pie)

1 litre of juice (in a box, again - larger quantities would improve the allgoodness)

your default favourite music AKA fleet foxes

handing shit in after countless allnighters

showering after those countless allnighters where you forgot that personal hygiene is important

finding out the boy you like, likes you (yeah, i imagine this would be allgood)

finding old as music that you used to froth but had forgotten about and knowing all the words but don't know how they're coming out of your mouth

not being hungover (if the opposite of this has occured, refer to points 1 and 2 and allgoodness will be restored)

making your bed (what? tucking in? what is that?)

havin a shnuggle blanket. seriously this shit will cure anything (wrap yaself up, walk around in it, don't walk, whatever, just get a blanket that's not a duvet.)

leggings/tights/spandex (yeah whatever you get a camel toe but eat shit yal. i'm comfy as and i can sleep, run, eat a pie, drink juice, and not be hungover in these)

fg

WHY I HATE THE WORLD. AND 6 OTHER PISSED OFF THINGS.

ONE! vom worthy couples. they were staring into each others eyes and like, snuggling in public, touching noses and just being general cute and shit all up in my lonely drunk face. fuck off with your pda. fuck off with your relationship. it's gross. i sound like a bitch, and i am. who wants to be cute with moi!

TWO! i got a million pies from the service station on sunday. sucks that it's 2 minutes away. i can see it right now, from my window. my house is sloth central on the sabbath. everyone gets wasted on saturday nights and plans to do work/go into uni/shower/brush teeth/get changed/ put bras on/not be lazy on sunday but we just end up watching a million movies, frothing over hot boys we will never have because they exist only in film, and drinking litres of orange juice and sick as amounts of mince and cheese pies. i hate it. nah jk it's fucking mean and i had to express my love for slothing sabbath in 2j. there, done.

THREE! why don't real boys exist? like real real boys. i see what i'm saying here, but you gotta see what i'm saying. i'm saying a real boy, a boy that doesn't cry because he's all sensitive and shit. and a boy that will have his own friends, his own life, who'll want you not need you, because ohhh emmmm geee, i don't want to be needed, that is no fun and the word that is used to replace 'needed' is desperate. not saying i want to have that stupid chase shit for months cos that's gay. if you like me tell me. but DON'T i repeat DON'T be all weird and say "well there i go, i like you, now i just don't know how you feel, i guess i just have to wait for you to tell me, because i am just so confused" one word EW. boys with feelings! the fuck what is that shit? AND DON'T give me bullshit like guys have feelings blah blah because i'm sorry (i'm not). you didn't have feelings when you were creepin up on me and only wanting one thing (well, i guess you did have feelings.. of another kind).

FOUR! Crying boys. Oh dear, i say this everytime. you shouldn't have tear ducts ok. Unless your johnny depp or emile hirsch or someone babe as that earns alot of money and can pay for every single tear that pops out of your sexy eyes. it's just not cool. like look at tom in 500 days of summer, at the start when he's all gutted as that it didn't work out. unnatractive much. self pity is a big gay factor not literal. just as in you're lame, i don't want to be friends with you let alone let ya kiss on me if you're gonna be cryin all about the place. especially about a girl. man up move on. she has.

FIVE! Self pity. Seriously. i dont. give a shit. please get that. i understand if you have a shit day, a few shit days etc. but if you're legit in a state of feeling sorry for yourself? please, don't come to me, i'm not giving you sympathy unless you're one of my best friends. even then, it doesn't go far. ew don't even get me talking about this shit it pisses me off so much.

SIX! your relationship with him, his relationship with you. the relationship in general i mean god im not even fucking there and it makes me want to stab myself in the vag. seriously, you're still going? it's still going? what? when will you learn. i fucking love you, you're amazing, he is not. no one likes it, we've told you. please, we see it. you don't. then again look at me giving relationship advice. (SAID THE FG).

SEVEN! people who are flirting in your presence when they think you can't tell. I CAN TELL. and you both look like retards. stand up straight bitch and get that hair outcho fingers. oh, and, down boy.

shit laying.
laying of the shit.

1. it seems you're cool too easy now. all you need is a cutie tootie crop and some sweet levi's you found a savemart and you done baby girl. now now i can't say much - i did this. i do this. but it's so weird watching the little muchkins you know, how old, 14 getting all slutty and photo shoot up in this hole of hamilton with their cute "pic at the gardens". but please manican babies. please, no one likes you because you're like everyone else. they like you because you're a filthy dirty bitch who doesn't wear a bra in public and you wear stuff that makes people want to not be you.

2. once a chick i knew, she's awesome by the way. shat in a plastic bag and threw it on the top of a warehouse i think it was roof. i'd be her boyfriend.

3. it's all about the chase. and now, i'm all puffed and ready to go home.

4. girls don't care if you're ugly boys. they care if you dress well. so put some nice clothes on and get a nice haircut, and be funny. because that's all we want. a nice dressing boy who will make us laugh when we have sore tummies. (aaaand that's where that bullshit ends.)

5. being honest is a piece of shit, it's burnt my ass so much lately. sorry that i don't have secrets. they just screw shit up. i'll tell you bitches if you're annoying me, and i'll tell you why. sorry that i tell you the truth when you cover whatever you've got going on up whereas i'm the enemy for being open as a slut!

not literal.

YOU'RE SO FUCKING SENSITIVE! GROW A PAIR! STOP BEING THE VICTIM! I FEEL LIKE A I HAVE MORE RIGHT TO HAVING A PENIS THAN YOU DO! OH MY GOD JUST PLEASE BE A MAN! I'M NOT GOING TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU! I AM THE LEAST SYMPATHETIC PERSON IN THE WORLD SO DON'T FEED ME THAT SHIT! BE A MAN BE A MAN BE A MAN AND DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE FAT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT, INFACT, YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO SKINNY.. WHICH MAKES IT WEIRDER. MANOREXIC HICK. POO IN YOUR FACE I HATE YOU A LITTLE YOU IRRITATING BOY!

THE REAL DEAL.

1. i quit my job. no more fake retail assistant. no more targets. yes!! you look fat in that!! yes!! you have a camel toe!!! no!! i don't think that's hot!! you're a dirty hoe!! (i am only unemployed for a week or so, berry picking here i come!)

2. i was only nice to you when you came into work because you came in with your mum. and mum's are scary when they defend their children.

3. your name is janet, that's a mum name, but it's cool. like imagine that, "yeah, i fucked janet". how grease, how kinnicky. bottom line. work the mum name.

4. i'm not one to encourage casual sex. but do it with him. do it with him because it will be fun and you have already done it before, so the pussycat is familiar with her surroundings, it's nothing new and i want you to be happy. and that, that bizzniss you call love making, that makes you happy.

5. the fg thing is fun now, it's not a burden, you can make the fg thing your thing, you can be slutty with them and it's not slutty, it's you being a friend. look, i'm naked. it's okay, we're friends. look, you're naked, it's ok, we're friends, look we're all naked together but be careful. this may lead to an unexpected orgy, there's a line people.. there's a line.

6. i thought i liked the s&m sex in the air song, but i don't. and chains and whips do not excite me. boys do, and a little bit of stubble. so much that it's intentional. not lazy.

7. the multiple crush thing is real. when you're friends with boys it begins with a hi, you're obviously a boy and you have a penis. therefore you are a possible marriage candidate. second thought is - where do i put you? Friend boy category (aka no, sorry never, not gonna happen, yucky no no no) orrrrrrrrrrrr Possibly we could kiss on a rare occasion category (this is pretty much everytime, because i am desperate.) Lets clarify a crush. It's not a like like, there's 'i crush you' this means that i don't really know you but hey sexy boy (or not, depending on my level of desperation), then there is 'i like like you' - i know you now, i'd totally be able to hang out with you in my ugly clothes and i could text you random shit i see, like a dog pissing on someone or something. I have crushed 85% of my friends. 100% if you include girls. Jokes, kind of joking not really.

8. slow down, and don't be so aggressive.. you know what i'm talking about.

9. but don't be too slow, i don't want to be thinking about food, or what we'll do after, or how bad it is.

10. that friend you hate but you don't hate them, you hate thinking about them but when you're with them you fucking love them so much. And you laugh heaps. thank you for being the shit on my shoe, the salt in my shaker, the nip on my tit.

101

BEING THE FRIEND GIRL
coming soon.