HARD2GET.

PLAY THE GAME.

BE SUPERIOR.


(otherwise known as the game of life.. this comes from watching this happen. over, and over again, chicks who play H2G are usually pretty loved up, hella desirable and really fuckin smart if we think about it.. but they can usually leave their emotions at the door. boys who play H2G are pretty much all the male species except of course those exceptions - your (leave this page) boyfriends).

firstly we should discuss how to play hard2get.

there are 2 players:
one female + one male
both female
or both male
- it all depends on how you feel about fannys.

when riding the rollercoaster that is this fun time, one must realise that other players can be brought into the game ie suzie may feel that her opposition dickhead is infact, a dickhead - she will then ask another person to join the game! usually suzie would pick someone  different to dickhead, perhaps someone with a better haircut, thinner, fatter, taller - just generally someone allround better and intimidating to dickhead. suzie will secretly flaunt this new player in front of player 1 (DH) causing player 2 (see *BREATH MINT) to feel special and possibly spark a slight crush on suzie. player 1 finds this incredibly hard to handle as his natural animal instincts tell him to fight away what was once his, like a lion he will prowl on suzie making sure he is not forgotten in her little circle of love (sometimes the circle of love means, circle of love, more often than not - a vagina hole).

UNFORTUNATELY (ha, ha, ha, when is it unfortunate to have a CHOICE IN MEN) in this phase of the game suzie must decide which player she will take to the next level and which she will kill off - TYPICALLY, she will keep player 1 (yes, the dickhead, she's a girl remember) ol player 2 there is disposed of - once again, being female i assume suzie still remembers his number off by heart and she will soon be inviting him to play the game again.

PLAYER 2 AKA BREATH MINT
he gets that bad aftertaste of player 1 out of your life, i know what you're thinking - how fuckin fabulous. but no this isn't eternal sunshine of the spotless mind ok that shit can't be erased. the mint is enjoyable and ever so exciting and fun FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME. what you really want is to satisfy yourself with the meal that is player 1 - fuck the bad taste you think! and so, suzie crawls back to DH while ol fresh minty michael over here is raking it in with these girls with bad breath.

H2G is not as simple as it seems, Suzie has created a triangle in which player 1 and 2 are now "fighting" for her affections, she can chop and change between the two depending on what type of hunger she has that day. the guys will pretend shit's allgood and joke about suzie between the 2 of them secretly wanting to 'win' because after all, isn't any hole a goal? - and it makes it so much more entertaining when there's defense.


note: one must always keep track of all players in the game, it is best to stick to the old count on one hand rule. this just keeps you in control of the situation rather than you getting caught in the shit under a pile of guys thinking you're a slut. but it's just power hon.. 

ps. this is life
pps. don't take my shit seriously, seriously.

fg xoxoxoxooxox

GO FUCK YOURSELF DAY

(I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR 19 YEARS AND NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO FUCK WITH MY V DAY OPINION! MY HEART YEARNS FOR A BEAR HOLDING AN I LOVE YOU MESSAGE. I'D PRETEND I HATED THAT SHIT BUT REALLY I'D TREASURE IT IN MY CRAFT BOX WHERE NO ONE EVER LOOKS..)

V DAY. VIRGIN DAY. VERY UNFAIR DAY. DAY TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE SHIT. DAY TO MAKE COUPLES FEEL LIKE SUPER PEOPLE WHEN REALLY, SINGLES PROBABLY HAVE MORE SEX WITH MORE PEOPLE, IN MORE POSITIONS, IN MORE SPONTANEOUS PLACES, SAYING MORE DIRTY THINGS (BECAUSE WE'RE DRUNK AND DRUNK SEX IS PORN SEX, AND WE DON'T KNOW THE PARTNER VERY WELL SO IT'S ALL LET'S BE DRAMATIC AND MAKE THIS **A NIGHT TO REMEMBER** CRINGE.

this isn't a survival guide, there's no way to survive valentines day. it's just a genuinely shitty day for single people, even shittier when you're single and you like someone who doesn't like you back, or you like someone and they like someone else, or you're single and you have no friends and no one to even toy the idea of liking with, or you're ugly, or you're slutty and you finally realised that yeah - you fuck to be loved and no one is knockin on ya door this lonely feb 14th.

SIGH. (not the orgasmic kind like all the COUPLES are probably having.)

HERE ARE THE KEY THINGS THAT I HATE ABOUT VALENTINES DAY:

1. it exists.

2. the way it's meant to like show someone how much you love them but REALLY. really it's about showing everyone else how much you love them. EG. girl at my school's bf sent her THE BIGGEST FUCKING BEAR I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN IN MY LIFE AND MY VAGINA QUIVERED AT THE SIGHT OF IT. (i'm not dissing her at all here it's just jealousy.) but like what the fuck, why did he have to send it to school? could he not give it to her while it was just the two of them? maybe like mid fuck or something. perhaps after a romantic dinner out? no, because ooooh my v day is about showin da love to all da loveless.

3. bears and toys and shit. cool. but i'd rather get an orgasm than a toy bear holding a heart saying i love you. how much did that shit cost you? cos that's lame and i'd also rather food, a really long conversation, a list of things you like about me, spending time with you...etc, this list is pointless because i don't have a valentine... oh god tears on my keyboard... hahahaha

4. there's always that friend who has a bf who's like 'nah! we can hang out!' and WANTS to get in on the single gals v day plans. UM NO, by being in a relationship you are excluded from this sad, sad, group of people. go and enjoy the bliss your partner has prepared because we're probs just going to hit up thai village and get really really sadly drunk at byo.

HERE ARE SOME IDEAS OF HOW SINGLE PEOPLE CAN CELEBRATE VALENTINES DAY:

1. watch the notebook

2. hang out with all your other single friends and talk about your feelings

3. not do any of the above because they are PATHETIC AND LAME AND THE REASON WHY WE ARE SINGLE.

4. do something you know you shouldn't be doing because let's be real everyones too loved up in their life to notice that you're stealing stuff, or breaking into here, or sexing him.

5. go out and look fucking hot and DON'T go out with the intention of getting with guys or talking to guys or any of that shit because you WILL be disappointed. if you have no expectations of the male species then you will forever be satisfied. wink.

FG XO

FRUSH.

no, not that sticky substance that comes out of your vag. FRUSH! that awkward yearning, the throb you get when you want .. your FRIEND.

THIS GENUINELY SUCKS. I UNDERSTAND. AS IVE ADMITTED TO BEFORE, CRUSHIN FRIENDS IS NORMAL. haha yeah cos i know that shit. one day me and L confessed to each other that we crushed a friend. i said mine - she said me too. she said hers.. i said me too. and we realised that we'd gone through all of our male friends and crushed them at one point in time. firstly, GOD HOW DESPO. secondly, yeah, i'm gonna go ahead and say still desperate.

but i get it right?! IT'S BECAUSE YOU SEE THEM AS A PERFECT BOYFRIEND WHEN YOU HANG OUT. ie, you already do shit that boyfriends and gf's do except the physical shit ie ya share secrets ya lol all the time together (you're probably loling way more cos you're madly frothing at the mouth for him LOL ..DESPO), and people always say 'are you guys togeths', or people suggest shit like that. haha oh god i've been here, totz hand up here going to tell you that friend crushes are totally okay (haha who am i to know) i get that it sucks, cos he totally rapes you for all your worth with advice and all the mean gf friendly friend to lean on and all you want is to seal the deal with a mean as ldp on the beach or some shit i duno, however your fantasies go.

bad news, your frush is pretty much a sticky substance that lingers and there's no pill or cream to fix it. i frush way too easy, but when you genuinely frush someone, like so much to the point that you cry yourself to sleep imagining what it would be like when he tells you he likes you back and he sees you as more than a 'cool chick' or a 'good bitch' (we've all been there..) maybe you should do something about it. like tell him (don't do this, he probably only sees you as a friend and it saves a fuckload of embarrassment. just know that.. im here 4 yew) ANYWAY, if he wants ya, he'll make the effort.

xoxo fg

GIRL TYPES 101

0.3: the friend girl

we've touched on (we're the only ones touchin on her if you know what i mean) the fg before and it's time we explore her FA'REALS. so the friend girl is a cool/funny/neverhasabf/neverhasguysintoher girl, she's the one that the guys she crushes will go to to have a mass winge or gross froth : "faaark why doesn't (insert non fg here) like me.. she's so hot and slutty and vaginal." OR "fuck yeah so i was just grinding on her then we fucked and she was a dirty bitch honestly. loved that shit" - this conversation will end in "man/bro/dude (insert fg name here) you're just so cool, you're not like other girls, i can talk to about mean shit. you're (yeah wait for it, this bit sounds cool at first but not after 6th time) ONE OF THE BOYS". OHHHH DEAR GOD IT BURNS. It's so flippin MEAN being a fg, you feel hella cool and you see people for people not for the genitals. UNLESS it's the boy you crush who you're the fg to. this sucks, i understand cos all you wanna do is froth up on that shit and get nasty with your cuddling. but you can't! you have to be all yeah im a cool gal, who talks about shitting, and swears and itches her balls or whatever. it's lame and it sucks ass but nothing can be done. being an fg is no disease gurl, slutty chicks who can only get guys to notice them by showing their minge or getting their supre singlet on are secretly yearning for the kind of relationship you have with these guys. i think. that's what i tell myself anyway..

dear girl 0.3

being a fg is mean and way better than being the hoe on the side. but seriously, if you crush the guy that takes advantage of your fg-ness then you need to set shit straight and just be for real. "hey, shut up i don't care how wet she was. this is awkward and you're gross. let's talk about shitting" (when what you're really thinking is oh my god don't cry don't cry don't cry that he's totally LOOKING PAST THE AMAZINGNESS THAT IS YOU and going straight to the carnival girl, y'know, the one who just wants to ride all the rides no matter how full the ride is. yeah you know. she's probs caught lotsa nasty diseases from all those rides..) and really, you'll totally end up being with one of these people one day anyway. as for now, being friends means that you can have fun and not have to be scared that you'll break up, or you'll get pregnant, or have to worry what you look like in front of them.

ps. don't get drunk and get with them.

pps. don't get drunk and think fuck it, i'll just get with random people and do stupid meaningless shit cos no one likes me anyway. things WILL get awkward and no one likes a carnival girl.

"isn't it great we actually have boy problems"

yes, yes it is.

here i am again,

don't reach over and touch my boob slyly in the car.
people will see, i mean sweet jesus, it's not a stress ball.

fg

hey, it's me again. the friend girl.

i was getting bored so i let you touch my boobs.
don't go nussling into my neck in public now please.
especially don't go making that noise.

no seriously.

GIRL - FRIEND - GIRL

Told a boy once that i hate that i'm always the friendgirl, not the girlfriend. - Whinged a bit etc, Grabbed at his bits a bit, got a bit into it a bit.
"Maybe it's cos you don't put out?"
OKAY. ONE: What is this, a nineties teen movie? Who calls it putting out anymore? AND TWO: Maybe it's called self respect BUCKO (yeah i realise 'bucko' isn't cool but, it is).

I AM A FG
FUNNY GIRL
FUCK OFF GIRL
FUN GIRL
FREAK GIRL
FRIEND GIRL

IF I WAS A GF
GOOD FRIEND
GREAT FUCK
GORGEOUS FEMALE
GIRL FRIEND

I say i want to have a boyfriend but then i remember how much i don't like to share food, how i like to run around naked all the time, and how i have a foul mouth and talk about way too many things that boys would find yuck. Also, i like dressing like a boy and find girls that dress like boys hot. (Boys that dress like girls are not).

But then again, we all love being loved. We all love it when we get cutey texts - i say this but then again my cutey texts are not what other people would call cutey texts. Actually good face to face time, none of this cool to text then awkward face to face shit (oh so help me god that is an entirely different story that deserves a post). We love when people make you laugh and you have twosome time with them and you pretend it was just a casual hang out but really, we know what it was. It's all about feeling special because that person wants you and no one else (although, some boys..)

WHAT DO I WANT?

to "Put Out?"
Na thanks.
PS. I am not a lesbian. xx
PPS. I am getting soft, maybe it's time for me to have a child.