HARD2GET.

PLAY THE GAME.

BE SUPERIOR.


(otherwise known as the game of life.. this comes from watching this happen. over, and over again, chicks who play H2G are usually pretty loved up, hella desirable and really fuckin smart if we think about it.. but they can usually leave their emotions at the door. boys who play H2G are pretty much all the male species except of course those exceptions - your (leave this page) boyfriends).

firstly we should discuss how to play hard2get.

there are 2 players:
one female + one male
both female
or both male
- it all depends on how you feel about fannys.

when riding the rollercoaster that is this fun time, one must realise that other players can be brought into the game ie suzie may feel that her opposition dickhead is infact, a dickhead - she will then ask another person to join the game! usually suzie would pick someone  different to dickhead, perhaps someone with a better haircut, thinner, fatter, taller - just generally someone allround better and intimidating to dickhead. suzie will secretly flaunt this new player in front of player 1 (DH) causing player 2 (see *BREATH MINT) to feel special and possibly spark a slight crush on suzie. player 1 finds this incredibly hard to handle as his natural animal instincts tell him to fight away what was once his, like a lion he will prowl on suzie making sure he is not forgotten in her little circle of love (sometimes the circle of love means, circle of love, more often than not - a vagina hole).

UNFORTUNATELY (ha, ha, ha, when is it unfortunate to have a CHOICE IN MEN) in this phase of the game suzie must decide which player she will take to the next level and which she will kill off - TYPICALLY, she will keep player 1 (yes, the dickhead, she's a girl remember) ol player 2 there is disposed of - once again, being female i assume suzie still remembers his number off by heart and she will soon be inviting him to play the game again.

PLAYER 2 AKA BREATH MINT
he gets that bad aftertaste of player 1 out of your life, i know what you're thinking - how fuckin fabulous. but no this isn't eternal sunshine of the spotless mind ok that shit can't be erased. the mint is enjoyable and ever so exciting and fun FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME. what you really want is to satisfy yourself with the meal that is player 1 - fuck the bad taste you think! and so, suzie crawls back to DH while ol fresh minty michael over here is raking it in with these girls with bad breath.

H2G is not as simple as it seems, Suzie has created a triangle in which player 1 and 2 are now "fighting" for her affections, she can chop and change between the two depending on what type of hunger she has that day. the guys will pretend shit's allgood and joke about suzie between the 2 of them secretly wanting to 'win' because after all, isn't any hole a goal? - and it makes it so much more entertaining when there's defense.


note: one must always keep track of all players in the game, it is best to stick to the old count on one hand rule. this just keeps you in control of the situation rather than you getting caught in the shit under a pile of guys thinking you're a slut. but it's just power hon.. 

ps. this is life
pps. don't take my shit seriously, seriously.

fg xoxoxoxooxox

5 THINGS GUYS DO IN TOWN* THAT WILL AUTOMATICALLY TELL YOU WHERE THEY FALL ON THE LOSER SCALE.

1 being not very loser at all, 10 being, just fuck off.

*fortunately some only apply to hamilton xo

1. the guy who touches your ass (usually in town etc) before he has even asked your name/greeted you/seen your face.

heeeeeeeeeeey sexy chick, i'm a fun, playful, full of confidence kinda guy and i don't need no hey to touch you. by touching your ass, getting my finger near your SHIT HOLE and squeezing it like it was a casual crack up thing - i am showing you that i am a cheeky guy (scuse the pun) - if you turn around i'll casually disappear into the sea of jayjays t-shirts and sneakily watch you try to figure out who it was. this guy is just clueless, he obviously just wants your pussy for the night and you OBVIOUSLY (ha ha ha hamilton) don't want it back, but i'm not going to lie to you when i say that every time my ass has been grabbed, a small small very tiny bit of excitement builds up in my pelvis and i am very grateful for the fact that my ass was chosen out of a few hundred to be touched. in saying that - i have seen males do the line grab - a one by one touch and go of the friends ass they pass the bar - each girl thinking she was the 1 in a million ass. you're not great, but you're not entirely shit either mate - 6/10.

2. the mystery grinder

oh wow, this guy has been around since my year 10 social back in high school, he wore a hawaiian shirt and it was unbuttoned. i didn't see him - but a friend did. she was giving me the thumbs up so i happily rubbed my ass on his semi erect penis, my hands waving awkwardly in the air screaming to be witched or some shit. without knowing what he looked like i was loving my life! attention! a boy! my gelled back hair and fluoro leggings didn't know what to do with themselves. i turned around to see who this beautiful mystery man was - i was sure he'd be some basketball player with a ratty and a soft moe (*dreamy*). unfortunately i was unpleasantly surprised and ran away scared for my life. mystery grinders are EVERYWHERE, they're having a boogie with the the boys and as soon as you get eye contact or you touch them by accident on the d floor (and come the fuck on lets be real touching on the d floor is inevitable, sweat is pretty much just one big shared substance) THEY'RE IN FOR THE KILL - seriously it's like oh shit, my dicks touching your ass, oh shit my hands are wrapped around you, oh shit im going in to poke you, oh shit yeah, people are watching. FIRSTLY, how dare you grind me without my permission! and by permission i mean, you have to go through a quick courting process - eyes across the dance floor, smile, smile again, ignore for a bit, smile, get closer, then maybe, if you played the cards right - you can have a quick consented grind! only to be left looking like a dick while your eyes are closed and really getting into it. ha ha ha i'm imagining it now. guys are so shit. yuck, these boys are pretty common - and it's easy to get away from them so i guess they score pretty low 4/10 UNLESS THEY FOLLOW YOU AND ACTUALLY TRY TO POKE YOU 8/10 MATE! THERE'S A LINE!

3. the nelly ambassador

yeah, just because we're all in this sweaty little room and it's 'getting hot in heeer' does NOT mean that you have to take your top off. seriously i do NOT want to see your erect nipples as your sweat flings onto me while you so carelessly whip your body like it's some kind of .. fuck i don't even know. like - can you not? you may even be real cut and shit but i don't really see the attraction in hugging you then sliding off you. or you being on stage as i watch you slowly but surely peel off what used to be a singlet which is now just a fuckin RAG that is clinging to your skin for dare life. IS IT COLD IN HERE? BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO HAVE AN EXTREME CASE OF FRIPPLE!! EW EVEN WORSE WHEN HE WRAPS THE TOP AROUND HIS HEAD!WHAT IS THIS?!?!?! BROOKLYN?!?!!! IS THERE A REASON WHY YOU HAVE A DO-RAG ON YOUR HEAD YOU WANNABE!! damn son, this shit pisses me off - but i like laughing at you while i encourage you to embarrass yourself 8/10

4. mr alice

"i'm lost i can't find my mates im just gona hang out with you till i find them". YOOOOU DUMB SHIT. do you really think i am buying that? next it will be oh they just text me they left without me can i go home with you? NO. you're an annoying puppy and i want to dance with my friends, now i have you following us around and we barely even know each other. this is usually someone you don't know very well - they aren't a friend but perhaps you've seen them round a bit so i guess it's 'acceptable' for them to hang out with you. but damn this annoys me - chicks do it too. it's desperate and if your mates don't want to hang out with you then why would i? straight up, this isn't hard to rate 9/10.

5. bruno mars

sometimes i have a moment when i walk into a club and i scan the building to see whats up. sometimes i see some friends dry humping against the wall, an older man buying a blonde a drink, a sea of kids with glow sticks seizing again and again to dubsteb. all things i have become used to seeing, i almost worry when i don't! but on the off night (i repeat night, when it's dark, and it's nighttime because it has already been day and the sun has gone down and the moon has come up because it was the end of the day and now it is after DARK) i see SOME MOTHER FUCKER wearing sunglasses inside, i don't give a shit if they're ray bans mate, i don't even give a shit if you're pinging like a lunatic i DON'T care that you're fuckin blazed! TAKE THEM OFF YOU LOOK LIKE AN ABSOLUTE HOMO AND IT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT SUNNY INSIDE. ugh seriously. turn of x1000000000000000000000000 PEOPLE WHO (AREN'T BLIND AND) WEAR SUNNIES INSIDE AND AT NIGHT TIME ARE NUMBER ONE 10/10!!!!

hope you guys are living scandalously.

xoxo friend girl

I'M BACK.

1. SHITTY SERVICE

ohh, i GET it, you're paid to be angry at me, the customer - as i ask a simple question like where are the man jamies. or, are there any smaller sizes of these man jamies. (pajamies..). nah FUCK YOU UGLY DYK i came into this fucking store to do ma thang and find me some lifestyle accessories and i get some horsey assed face giving me a look that the lord would not appreciate! no shit, the shock on her face when i asked her a question was kind of gag worthy. as in she stood with her borderline man mustache mouth gaping at me with a raised eyebrow puffing and breathing way too heavy at my existence. i'm sorry.. didn't mean to break up ya little work romance convo yo had goin on there with ya man friend (lets be real, your facial hair is growing wilder than his). oh honestly this bitch got up my ass like a pair of silky unds. not ok.

2. FEELINGS

sweet lord, with more life experience i feel like i have to apologize to all those love fucked bitches out there who are constantly reblogging the old 'why doesn't he love me' shit. i get it now, i for reals understand ya pain that chu living in! but tumblr aint gon help you girl, postin naked pics of yourself aint gon help either! it may get you some followers though.. (and lord knows seeing that number rise is like the beginning of a climax). nah, but in all seriousness. feelings are pretty shit and they bring your whole day down. end of story.

3. PEOPLE WHO LIE ABOUT LOVIN THE LDP

so sick of everyone pretending they don't like havin a casual pash and shit. don't even lie you loved that late night hookup. you especially loved when he .. yeah anyway. no point saying that stuff is gross when you genuinely wanted him inside you ok. because word might get out and next time you;re gaggin for it, he'll assume you aren't keen. (ldp - lie down pash, new plym)

4. THE SLY ONE UP

yeah don't deny it. we all love knowing that we're better at shit than someone else. the old 'well atleast im not '..' she never gets any guys and her paintings suck' then all of a sudden missy over here gets drawing lessons and starts papsin on all the hot arty boys. aye? it makes you wana get up and better your life except after a while you realise you're just really hungry and sleepy and you want to die in your bed eating your favourite food. because what's life worth living if '..' is now cooler than you. joking, obviously this has never happened to me.

5. STATUS DELETE

if no one likes it within 5 minutes, i'm officially embarrassed and i'm going to delete that shit. you gotta word it perfectly, it's gotta roll off the tongue. haha if i get a min of 10 likes i'm happy, fuck this is tragic. but totally totally satisfying.

6. BOYS WHO GENUINELY THINK THEY'RE THE EXCEPTION TO THE SNEANS/BOARDIES NO GO RULE

no. there will never be anyone that will ever look stylish in sneans unless the shot is waist up, and they're topless, or the sneans are invisible, or they're wearing boardies.. in the sea.. covered by vicious vicious waves. i'm not a superficial bitch. i mean, if the last guy on earth wore sneans id probs go for it, but heres what i think when i see a sneaner, or an out of beach boardies wearer: (insert nice guy name here, think, murray, or peter) haha who am i kidding they aren't nice guy names's they're dad names. anyway - obviously peter feels that he may need to suddenly break into a sudden sprint at any point in time, why else would he be wearing his new runners whilst shopping. murray in boardies obviously sees it as a practicality issue aswell, if it rains, not a problem. but see - i could just wear a rash shirt and justify it the same way. ha.. ha..

WHY I HATE THE WORLD. AND 6 OTHER PISSED OFF THINGS.

ONE! vom worthy couples. they were staring into each others eyes and like, snuggling in public, touching noses and just being general cute and shit all up in my lonely drunk face. fuck off with your pda. fuck off with your relationship. it's gross. i sound like a bitch, and i am. who wants to be cute with moi!

TWO! i got a million pies from the service station on sunday. sucks that it's 2 minutes away. i can see it right now, from my window. my house is sloth central on the sabbath. everyone gets wasted on saturday nights and plans to do work/go into uni/shower/brush teeth/get changed/ put bras on/not be lazy on sunday but we just end up watching a million movies, frothing over hot boys we will never have because they exist only in film, and drinking litres of orange juice and sick as amounts of mince and cheese pies. i hate it. nah jk it's fucking mean and i had to express my love for slothing sabbath in 2j. there, done.

THREE! why don't real boys exist? like real real boys. i see what i'm saying here, but you gotta see what i'm saying. i'm saying a real boy, a boy that doesn't cry because he's all sensitive and shit. and a boy that will have his own friends, his own life, who'll want you not need you, because ohhh emmmm geee, i don't want to be needed, that is no fun and the word that is used to replace 'needed' is desperate. not saying i want to have that stupid chase shit for months cos that's gay. if you like me tell me. but DON'T i repeat DON'T be all weird and say "well there i go, i like you, now i just don't know how you feel, i guess i just have to wait for you to tell me, because i am just so confused" one word EW. boys with feelings! the fuck what is that shit? AND DON'T give me bullshit like guys have feelings blah blah because i'm sorry (i'm not). you didn't have feelings when you were creepin up on me and only wanting one thing (well, i guess you did have feelings.. of another kind).

FOUR! Crying boys. Oh dear, i say this everytime. you shouldn't have tear ducts ok. Unless your johnny depp or emile hirsch or someone babe as that earns alot of money and can pay for every single tear that pops out of your sexy eyes. it's just not cool. like look at tom in 500 days of summer, at the start when he's all gutted as that it didn't work out. unnatractive much. self pity is a big gay factor not literal. just as in you're lame, i don't want to be friends with you let alone let ya kiss on me if you're gonna be cryin all about the place. especially about a girl. man up move on. she has.

FIVE! Self pity. Seriously. i dont. give a shit. please get that. i understand if you have a shit day, a few shit days etc. but if you're legit in a state of feeling sorry for yourself? please, don't come to me, i'm not giving you sympathy unless you're one of my best friends. even then, it doesn't go far. ew don't even get me talking about this shit it pisses me off so much.

SIX! your relationship with him, his relationship with you. the relationship in general i mean god im not even fucking there and it makes me want to stab myself in the vag. seriously, you're still going? it's still going? what? when will you learn. i fucking love you, you're amazing, he is not. no one likes it, we've told you. please, we see it. you don't. then again look at me giving relationship advice. (SAID THE FG).

SEVEN! people who are flirting in your presence when they think you can't tell. I CAN TELL. and you both look like retards. stand up straight bitch and get that hair outcho fingers. oh, and, down boy.

fffffive.

THINGS I STILL HATE THAT I HATED IN HAMILTON.

1. boys.
2. girls.
3. mannequin girls. go away back home to hamilton
4. that i thought the term hipster didn't exist here because pretty much everyone is but then i got called alti the other day. yeah. awkward.
5. little mingin pingas that think they have ownership over people, you're a supre mannequin bitch and your foundation is too pale for your face. sort your life out.

NEW THINGS I HATE

1. feeling fat? why is everyone here so skinny? this is NOT me being a pussy ass little girl thinking my chubs is chubs. my chubs IS chubs. and i'm too lazy to do something about it. but these party photos are getting less and less bearable. im used to training heaps and now nothing, with food food all the time and drinking all the time. so yeah, i'll be sweet with being chubs.. not.
2. never seeing my best friend, or my brother.
3. doing my washing in a communal downstairs apartment thing. and my underwear falling on the ground without me realising. yeah, shit was embarrassing.
4. that it's raining like a mother fuckr and i have to go and get my eyes tested, and it will cost me $70. what da fuck why am i blind? where's healing jesus when you can't afford him.
5. hot wellington boys. for being so hot

YOU'RE SO FUCKING SENSITIVE! GROW A PAIR! STOP BEING THE VICTIM! I FEEL LIKE A I HAVE MORE RIGHT TO HAVING A PENIS THAN YOU DO! OH MY GOD JUST PLEASE BE A MAN! I'M NOT GOING TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU! I AM THE LEAST SYMPATHETIC PERSON IN THE WORLD SO DON'T FEED ME THAT SHIT! BE A MAN BE A MAN BE A MAN AND DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE FAT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT, INFACT, YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO SKINNY.. WHICH MAKES IT WEIRDER. MANOREXIC HICK. POO IN YOUR FACE I HATE YOU A LITTLE YOU IRRITATING BOY!

SORRY IF YOU DON'T CARE

I HATE HAVING CONTACTS I COULD STAB MY EYES. I LOL AT PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY HAVE SORE EYES OR WHATEVER. WELCOME TO MY LIFE EVERYDAY. I CRY EVERY MORNING WHEN I HAVE TO PUT THEM IN, NOT LITERAL JUST THE RESULT OF POKING MY EYES AS SOON AS I WAKE UP. ALSO, NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE IS SHIT. AND GLASSES GET IN THE WAY. AND LASER EYE SURGERY IS HARDLY AFFORDABLE ON MY PART TIME PAY. NO CHOICE HERE PEOPLE, NO CHOICE.

COOL STORY

10 THINGS THAT FUCK ME RIGHT OFF.

1. SELFISHNESS
yes, everyone is selfish it's a righteous thing, you're entitled to not want to share your lunch, that's not selfish, that's hunger. Selfish is when you clearly owe a million gazillion kit kats yet you always ask to have mine, or the one that i bought for someone else (who, by the way. is always repaying me - it's a mutual thing). Bottom line, buy me a kit kat.

2. THE SLY IGNORE
i work in retail, so that's me, that lovely gal that pretty much jumps at you when you walk in the store "HEY HOW YOU GOING?" but seriously, a hello back is all i ask, just because im a sales assistant doesn't mean you can ignore me. ya faggy fagster. i'm looking at you, im standing her looking like a dick waiting for a reply from you, and there you go. walking right past me, clearly not acknowledging my hello. better watch it, because i'll tell you you look good in that hideous when really, you're lookin thick.

3. LIARS
oh sweet jesus. i like to think of myself as an honest person. which can stab me in the eye sometimes. But it's better, in the long run, and for you. When people lie it's like they are trying to impress you, yeah ya fakeness is so attractive. suck my balls and be brave. i want to hear the truth bitch.

5. MUSIC THRASHERS
wow, everyone feels this. EVERYONE. EVERYONE DECENT. everyone feels like this is THEIR album, or THEIR artist. and it's like a shit in the face when someone (who wears jay jays clothes, or who just generally is shit) says they like your song. or uses their lyrics in some tasteless way. i try to remind myself that music is for everyone. not really, top 40 is for everyone - everything else is obviously so much better and that's why it's only for a small cultmunity.

6. PEOPLE WITH ANNOYING VOICES
we all know someone with that nasal voice. that voice that you can hear in the hallway, the voice that echoes through the common room. the voice that is automatically associated with the phrase 'what. the. fuck'. The girl who says "she made my mum cry i mean like what, the, fuck. and she says that i don't work in class i mean what, the, fuck. like she says my grades are up but like i have a bad attitude. i mean what the fuck has my attitude got to do with my fucking grades." oh dear, please leave school. i don't understand why you're here with such an intellectual insight like that. go and make something of yourself. live out your dream.. become a beautician.

7. FAT KIDS
it's very hard to like fat children. i used to babysit this little fat girl, and she'd always insist we spend our time baking. sorry, 'little' one. i would have to think of crazy plans to get this kid to exercise so i'd make treasure hunts that would last an hour running all over the property. ironic how her brother was crazy good at tennis traveling to new caledonia and what not. so in hindsight, it did nothing because she would also insist that the reward for completing the treasure hunt was for her to have a 'treat'. and it's not like i could reward her with a god damn work out could i.

8. UNBALANCED RELATIONSHIPS
the hotty with the notty, the bitch with the most amazing nice guy ever. it's happening everywhere and it's stupid. now i'm not preaching about standards. I'm swaying more to the side of bitches with non bitches. what do those guys see in them? i mean other than her open vagina which is available to him 24sev. (totally understandable, you're boys. i get it). By unbalanced relationship i am referring to the blindness of people, do you not realise that she/he is totally cheating on you? Oh who're we kidding. you're only going out for the status. Oh sorry, the fuck.

9. MONEY
oh yeah we all hate money blah black hate that blah. let's see why: we all hate the poor kid in primary (awkward how this was me..) it brings down the shopping experience by a million trillion - yay new dress/gay no money left. we spend it whilst drunk on, more drinks, mcdonalds, sober drivers, taxi's, prostitute's jk. if money didn't exist what a happy world it would be (don't read into that - there are many faults.)

10. COPIERS
idea thieves! steez stealers! whatever you call it, this really get's to my core. like to the point where i cannot be friends with this person anymore. they're the damned of earth. i hate copiers so much that i don't talk to anyone in design or photography about my ideas too much because if some bitch tries to copy me i get crazy competitive and up my own ass paranoid that mine MUST be the best. I don't even look at other peoples because i get too scared i'll subconsciously copy it and i don't wanna be a hypocrite. Now there's an exception to copying, if they're blatantly admitting it, or they reference to your work, style WHATEVER - that's fine. but that secret stealer who claims it as their own hoping you won't realise that hang on, that looks a bit like mine..