GO FUCK YOURSELF DAY
(I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR 19 YEARS AND NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO FUCK WITH MY V DAY OPINION! MY HEART YEARNS FOR A BEAR HOLDING AN I LOVE YOU MESSAGE. I'D PRETEND I HATED THAT SHIT BUT REALLY I'D TREASURE IT IN MY CRAFT BOX WHERE NO ONE EVER LOOKS..)
V DAY. VIRGIN DAY. VERY UNFAIR DAY. DAY TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE SHIT. DAY TO MAKE COUPLES FEEL LIKE SUPER PEOPLE WHEN REALLY, SINGLES PROBABLY HAVE MORE SEX WITH MORE PEOPLE, IN MORE POSITIONS, IN MORE SPONTANEOUS PLACES, SAYING MORE DIRTY THINGS (BECAUSE WE'RE DRUNK AND DRUNK SEX IS PORN SEX, AND WE DON'T KNOW THE PARTNER VERY WELL SO IT'S ALL LET'S BE DRAMATIC AND MAKE THIS **A NIGHT TO REMEMBER** CRINGE.
this isn't a survival guide, there's no way to survive valentines day. it's just a genuinely shitty day for single people, even shittier when you're single and you like someone who doesn't like you back, or you like someone and they like someone else, or you're single and you have no friends and no one to even toy the idea of liking with, or you're ugly, or you're slutty and you finally realised that yeah - you fuck to be loved and no one is knockin on ya door this lonely feb 14th.
SIGH. (not the orgasmic kind like all the COUPLES are probably having.)
HERE ARE THE KEY THINGS THAT I HATE ABOUT VALENTINES DAY:
1. it exists.
2. the way it's meant to like show someone how much you love them but REALLY. really it's about showing everyone else how much you love them. EG. girl at my school's bf sent her THE BIGGEST FUCKING BEAR I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN IN MY LIFE AND MY VAGINA QUIVERED AT THE SIGHT OF IT. (i'm not dissing her at all here it's just jealousy.) but like what the fuck, why did he have to send it to school? could he not give it to her while it was just the two of them? maybe like mid fuck or something. perhaps after a romantic dinner out? no, because ooooh my v day is about showin da love to all da loveless.
3. bears and toys and shit. cool. but i'd rather get an orgasm than a toy bear holding a heart saying i love you. how much did that shit cost you? cos that's lame and i'd also rather food, a really long conversation, a list of things you like about me, spending time with you...etc, this list is pointless because i don't have a valentine... oh god tears on my keyboard... hahahaha
4. there's always that friend who has a bf who's like 'nah! we can hang out!' and WANTS to get in on the single gals v day plans. UM NO, by being in a relationship you are excluded from this sad, sad, group of people. go and enjoy the bliss your partner has prepared because we're probs just going to hit up thai village and get really really sadly drunk at byo.
HERE ARE SOME IDEAS OF HOW SINGLE PEOPLE CAN CELEBRATE VALENTINES DAY:
1. watch the notebook
2. hang out with all your other single friends and talk about your feelings
3. not do any of the above because they are PATHETIC AND LAME AND THE REASON WHY WE ARE SINGLE.
4. do something you know you shouldn't be doing because let's be real everyones too loved up in their life to notice that you're stealing stuff, or breaking into here, or sexing him.
5. go out and look fucking hot and DON'T go out with the intention of getting with guys or talking to guys or any of that shit because you WILL be disappointed. if you have no expectations of the male species then you will forever be satisfied. wink.